Dear Mother, I Forgive You And I Hope You Can Forgive Me Too

You may not know this, but I can hold a grudge for as long as I can live and earning my forgiveness may take you your whole life. All your life you may need to ask for my forgiveness and show me that you actually mean it but it is highly unlikely that I will easily forgive let alone forget.

But you, my dear mother are an exception. Not only because you gave birth to me, raised me and are related to me by blood but because I know everything you ever did to me was not because you had anything against me, but because you couldn’t help it.

I forgive you because I know that you are a great person and you love me even though you never showed it unless your way of showing affection was screaming at me at the top of your lungs and leaving bruises on my body for no apparent reason.

Dear mother, I forgive you because I know how hard a life you’ve lived, especially when you were my age. Losing your mother when you were just an infant, living with a woman I’ve heard nothing but terrible things about, having a crappy relationship with your father and brother with whom you’ve cut off all ties must not have been easy, living in isolation after your elder sister got married and left, leaving you to deal with these terrible people all on your own, leading to the mental damage you have today.

Dear mother, I forgive you because having a mental illness is not your fault in any way. Living with the nasty people you grew up with, it can’t be surprising that you adapted some of their habits and implied them on your husband and children.

But most importantly dear mother, I apologize for leaving you, promising that I will come back after 6 months but never living up to it.

I am sorry I left you and went to live with my father but I couldn’t bear anymore physical abuse and scolding for everything you have bottled inside you.

I am sorry that you live in an enormous house all alone with just one guard while my father and I live here, blessed to have everything done for us while you struggle as you have no one to drive your car or make you food or even clean your house.

I apologize for barely ever visiting you, it’s not because I don’t want to see you, believe me when I say you cross my mind everyday and I pray to a God I don’t believe in for your wellness. It’s just that visiting you is hard for me, leaving the driveway, watching you smile and wave breaks my heart. It makes me think about how alone you are and makes me feel selfish; for living so far away from you and coming to see you once in a blue moon only to leave after a day or two.

I apologize for the way my brother has completely cut you off, no contact from your son for over three years must hurt but hey, he’s a sad excuse of a brother as well so we have something in common.

So my dear mother, this is me expressing every emotion I feel towards you. Pity being the most significant. This is me saying I forgive you for everything you put me through at such a young age. I am not like your son. I know the difference between intentional and unintentional harm and I promise you I will never abandon you the way he did.

So overall my dear mother, this is me forgiving you for your actions and apologizing for mine. This is me telling you that I do not hate you contrary to what I may have said to you in anger. This is me telling you that you are special.