11 Things My Boyfriend Complains About (In Bed)

1. My boyfriend complains that I don’t want him to be my boyfriend. I like to do this thing where I keep all of my options open, especially because I’m young, and the fact that it’s so easy to sleep with him makes me realize that I want more of a challenge. Which makes him like me more.

2. He’s constantly complaining that I have my phone with me during sex. It’s not that I have my phone while we’re having actual intercourse, it’s just that I have work emails that I need to check constantly and the last time I checked, he isn’t giving me orgasms anyways so after sex, I feel bored.

3. My boyfriend complains that I make him climax by giving him a blow job, and then he doesn’t have the strength to get it back up again for sex. Probably because he’s complaining.

4. My boyfriend complains that my lingerie gives him static-y hair and it’s annoying for him to have to fix it. Then he complains that he has to take the lingerie off of my body, and refuses to do it with his teeth. What an asshole. (Speaking of assholes, he won’t touch mine unless he’s intoxicated).

5. Not only does my boyfriend get annoyed that I go to the gym so much, he gets mad when I don’t have fat for him to grab onto when he’s railing me.

6. He complains that he can jack himself off better than I can, but complains because I’m not reaching in there to play stick shift dick while we watch GIRLS HBO.

7. He complains about how much time we actually spend in bed (at night) because he wants to be outside, where it’s -7 degrees. He’s restless, so I end up playing the entertainer with my mouth while prancing through each room with treats in a trail that eventually lead to my mouth which leads to sex. And then he complains that we’re not having sex in his bed and his roommates might catch us.

8. He complains that he’s never had anal sex with a girl, and then when I make fun and ask if he’s implying that he’s had it with a boy, he complains that I’m being a jerk. Then he asks me to have anal sex, and I say no because he is complaining, and it’s my lunch hour. I also have better things to do than feel like I’m taking a painful shit for 10 minutes while he makes his horrible O face, and I am forced to stare at the family photo he has framed next to his bed.

9. I guess it’s kind of annoying when he has to be on top. It’s kind of annoying for him when I’m on top because he can’t be in control, and it’s so frustrating for him to do it doggy style because he can’t see my face.

10. He complains that my orgasm face has been changed (by me, on purpose, apparently) to reflect something “prettier” than the average “I just got electrocuted and I don’t know how to feel about it” face.

11. Not only does my boyfriend complain that I’m not having sex with him enough, he complains that we’re not having sex enough while we’re having sex, and I’ve most definitely had enough of it.