Confessions From The Girl Who’s Admittedly ‘Unloyal’

I am not loyal.

This can’t be more of a surprise to anyone then myself.

This character trait, or flaw shall I say, wasn’t something that I was cognizant of. No, I had the fortunate experience of obtaining this realization during a mental health training surrounded by a group of my colleagues.

(Please choose me to be your social worker as I am so UNLOYAL.)

During this training, each of us were instructed to complete a personality assessment to identify our top and bottom 5 traits. The results were to serve as a guide for determining our clinical assets along with what areas need improvement.
I had no problem taking accountability for my other shortcomings and I’d be the first to tell you the many ways in which I suck, but unloyal?!

Me? The one who more often then not resembles a doormat when matters of the heart are involved? Who possesses a level of empathy that when not creating a self-destructive amount of anxiety, devotes me to alleviating the emotional needs of those I cross paths with? The girl who will befriend just about anyone as long as they possess a pulse whose beat does not cause intentional harm or hurt to others, UNLOYAL?!

For definitions sake, for one to be loyal they must demonstrate faithfulness to commitments, obligations, and people. I’d basically call myself a walking synonym for loyalty.

Just ask the last 5 people I made plans with. Oh that’s right, I cancelled every single one of them for reasons ranging from I forgot, something else took my attention, or I just didn’t feel up for it. Come to think of it, I’ve never resided or held employment in one location longer then 2 years. Or how about ALL of the men I’ve dated. I never cheated. But I never stayed.

After the shock and trauma subsided from receiving a label of “unloyal”, my ego’s defenses let down their armor. I could face my truth.

I am as loyal as the wind.

The fleeting whispers of my soul’s yearnings serve as my internal map. I must follow the compass of my heart along each poetic expression of myself, wherever it might lead. Seeking purpose is the path and obtaining oneness the destination.

I must rise with the sun but howl at the moon.

Each day awakens with a bare canvas in which I breathe life into. The vivid and endless spectrum of colors that paint the landscapes of the world desire communion with my wandering spirit.

I have no faithful allegiance to any single relationship, occupation, or place of residency NOR am I seeking to acquire such. Therefore by today’s societal standards, I am in-fact unloyal.

Surrendering myself to my soul’s divine instructions is the one endeavor that my loyalty has never strayed.

I’ve never denied the foreign lands and countless shores that have begged for my friendship. Finding harmony among walks of life whose cultures are so diverse from my own have allowed me to discover that us humans, no matter our backgrounds, are much more alike then different.

I delight in the discomfort that new experiences bring. Uneasiness is the precursor to inner expansion. I am relentless in my quest to leave the limited boundaries of my perception in order to get to the ultimate source, love. I want to harbor a love so rich that it can be felt and dispersed among all I cross paths with. I long for relation with all the world, not just one being.

Knowing that the journey of life is limited and most comparable to a time-lapse film I see no other option but to renounce myself passionately and unforgivingly upon anything that resonates with my wild heart.