10 Things 90s Kids Will Have To Explain To Their Children by Chelsea Fagan

It’s not just Thought Catalog that loves the ‘90s — “10 Things 90s Kids Will Have To Explain To Their Children” basically ravaged the internet. At an estimated 259,000 Twitter and Facebook shares, it’s the most passed-along article on our humble website. Congrats, Chelsea.

Dating A Privileged White Girl by Ryan Chang

In “Dating A Privileged White Girl,” Ryan Chang describes the vacuous behavior and affluence of a particular type of Orange County girl to a T. We love it because it’s an interesting and often bitingly funny conversation about adolescence, class, and living in a sterile suburban wasteland.

Reflections On Seeing My Ex-Lover’s Novel For Sale At The Mall by Oliver Miller

Oliver Miller is a writer with a capital W. He’s always been one of our favorite contributors, but we think “Reflections On Seeing My Ex-Lover’s Novel For Sale At The Mall” is his pièce de résistance.

How Many Cats Is Too Many Cats? by Brad Pike

This list wouldn’t be complete without a piece from one of our funniest, most original contributors. We love Brad’s article because it combines hilarity with intense cat love, which is always a recipe for success on TC.

In Defense Of Period Sex by Kat George

If anyone could sell you on the idea of period sex, it would be Kat George. Thought Catalog was doing God’s work when we ran this piece. Now, whenever your BF is like “Ew, blood,” show him this article and be like “Have fun down there. Wear a helmet.”

You Should Date An Illiterate Girl by Charles Warnke

Um, hello. Have you read Thought Catalog? Have you Googled recently? This is one of our most popular articles in the history of TC. And with good reason! It’s a fantastic piece of writing.

The Different Types Of People There Are On The Internet by Various

This was actually the first “The Different Types Of ____ There Are” article that we ever ran, a template that we admittedly lifted from a piece that ran in The Stranger. It got us off to a good start. This relatively significant catalog of internet stereotypes was written by a ton of different people we got together — notables include but are not limited Alex Blagg, Molly Young, Bebe Zeva, Leslie Arfin, Megan Boyle, and Blake Butler — and represents the first step in a concept we ran with over the course of 2011.

How To Drink At Home By Yourself by Stephanie Georgopulos

Run in two parts, we feel like Steph’s “How To Drink At Home By Yourself” series is sort of a flagship article for TC. As much as we publish stuff about dating, friends, and going out, there’s definitely a quieter side to our editorial range that this piece really captured. We love it.

The Williamsturd: A Post-Post-Feminist Phenomenon by SJ Graham

SJ Graham nailed the archetypal Brooklyn douchebag in this article and came up with a hilarious nickname for him in the process. If you live in New York, or any other urban center for that matter, read this and you’ll realize that your city has its very own Williamsturds. Asshole man-childs know no geographical boundaries.

Things You Will Never Get Back by Caitlin Stewart Truman

There was something so heartbreakingly nostalgic about this piece. We know one of TC’s specialties lies in nostalgia, but this article seems to resonate deeper than most. So much so that it spawned a few sequels from a few different writers.

One Sentence Love Story by Nick Cox

A 1,703-word sentence, “One Sentence Love Story” is breathtaking in every sense of the word. We’re so glad Nick came to us with the opportunity to publish this on our website.

No One Said It Was Easy by Bart Schaneman

As a community of writers, our content often focuses on the struggle to succeed at a creative trade. “No One Said It Was Easy” is an excellent firsthand account of the fickle nature of the publishing industry.

The Time I Almost Died by Jack Cazir

An uninsured victim of a freak accident, Jack Cazir’s “The Time I Almost Died” is equal parts visceral and stunning. It makes us want to puke — and we mean that in the best way possible.

20 Things Every 5-Something Should Know by Josh Gondelman

If you’re fed up with 20-something articles, let us interest you in some advice for the kindergarten set. Josh Gondelman’s tips for the 5-year-old demographic will make you smile — or at least, stop, drop, and roll.

How To Have A Baby by David Miller

One of our more atypical How Tos, David Miller captures the nuances of childbirth from a first-time father’s perspective. The experience of reading it is so intimate you’ll probably feel like you’ve given birth by the end of it. And it’ll feel good.

What It’s Like To Actually To Be From The Jersey Shore by Tim Donnelly

“What It’s Like To Actually Be From The Jersey Shore” is a surprisingly poignant and saddening account of growing up in the town MTV has sought to ruin from the managing editor over at Brokelyn. The theme of loss in this piece runs deeper than geographic roots; reading with tissues handy is advised.

What’s My Age Again? Blink 182: The Musical by Gaby Dunn

Later dubbed “The Blink 182sical,” TC fave Gaby Dunn goes to great lengths curating an Enema of the State musical — and based on the reactions to her vision, we’re pretty sure our readership would shut the theater down on opening night.

5 Emotions Invented By The Internet by Leigh Alexander

One of the most accurate descriptions of how we’ve seen the internet change our social lives and emotional dynamics, “5 Emotions Invented By The Internet” is as bitingly true as it is totally funny. It also caught the attention of a good amount of our peers in the media, eventually syndicated by the Boston Globe and covered by the Telegraph and Forbes, among others.

Notes From Subway by Jimmy Chen

Aside from Oliver Miller, we’re pretty sure only Jimmy Chen could make a depressing lunch break at Subway into an entertaining exploration of life far beyond the topic’s concrete scope.

Oops, I Used Too Many Drugs In The Afternoon And Now There’s Nowhere To Party! by Neal Mackey

One of the funniest, most irreverent pieces on TC in 2011, “Oops, I Used Too Many Drugs In The Afternoon And Now There’s Nowhere To Party!” by Neal Mackey describes a day long bender that reads like a cross between Bret Easton Ellis and Hunter S. Thompson.

How To Be Considerate On The Internet by Tao Lin

This is textbook stuff, Internet 101. One of the most relevant essays on modern common sense, politeness, and efficiency that we’ve had the opportunity to publish. Sweet.

Don’t Wake Up Alone On A Saturday Morning by Ryan O’Connell

This piece wasn’t as viral as Ryan’s 10484324902353 other articles, but we think it’s one of his most special. With this piece he really does strike a pitch-perfect balance between nostalgia, expectation, and sadness, and by the end of it you sort of want to go to a quiet house party and spend all night talking to the friends with whom you’ve lost touch.

Love In The Time Of Tumblr by Phil Roland

Some people complain about the lack of ‘thought’ on TC, and that’s okay, we get that, but that general complaint really does ignore great pieces like this one from Phil Roland, which we run on a pretty consistent basis. “Love In The Time Of Tumblr” is a great exploration of the gap between internet and IRL personas — a paradigm that’s become increasingly relevant to how we view the world.

Death Of A Good Job by Matthew Newton

Run in three parts, Matthew Newton’s “Death Of A Good Job,” covers the beginning of the crash of the American economy from the perspective of an individual with a family to support who loses his job while on vacation. The series provides an excellent ground-level perspective of the American financial crisis.

A Speculative List Of Jay-Z’s 99 Problems by Brandon Scott Gorrell

It’s not often that BSG writes pure humor pieces, so when he does it’s a refreshing delight! Getting the opportunity to speculate on the woes of one of the world’s richest rappers is pure writer porn, and BSG delivers on the T & A.

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Hello readers! Wanna hang out with us? Wanna tell us how much we suck and throw things at our head? Wanna tell Kat and Stephanie how much you’re in loveeee with them? Well, now’s your chance! On Thursday, October 6th, Thought Catalog will be hosting a reader meet up at The Anchor Bar in Soho. Open bar is from 9-10 with drink specials after! Mmmm… open bar…..

Still need some convincing? Here are 5 reasons why you should come to the reader meetup!

1. You might meet your future BF/GF. As the old adage goes, “The couple that reads Thought Catalog together, stays together!” We have a hunch that our readers are babes but come see for yourself.
2. You’ll get drunk with us! And drinking is fun! And we’re fun! Yay, drinking!
3. You must be curious about what we’re like in real life, right? Is Ryan really a Xanax popping gay freak? Does Kat talk in a funny accent and fart everywhere? Does Stephanie just sulk in the corner and go on AIM?!
4. There’s a good chance you’ll see one of us do something really embarrassing and then blog about it the next day. You can be a witness to creativity!
5. Did I say open bar?

So come and hang out! We’re excited to meet you all in the flesh.

Brandon Gorrell will be there in spirit. Perhaps we should video chat him in Seattle?

P.S. If you think this flyer is chic, you can contact graphic designer/professional babe, Caitie Rolls, and commission her to do stuff. Do it!

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NASA Goddard Photo and Video

7:56PM

6:16PM Looked out window, seems really blustery. Tao said “it’s like that…Christopher Robbins.” Wind is maybe 30-40MPH. Sky looks pretty, clouds are big and look heavy on the bottom. (Megan)
3:41PM Returned to my apartment. Restaurants were closed. Variety at 368 Graham Ave. was open and “packed,” with ~20 people “milling” outside (see video below), and sometimes a line out the door. Delis were open. No rain, “gusty,” partly cloudy. Normal to above-average number of people outside. Above-average “milling.” (Tao)
2:06PM

1:26PM Googled “hurricane irene williamsburg.” Clicked to a site called “Unexplained Mysteries.” Watched “UFO filmed over Hurricane Irene.” Leaving apartment now to find a restaurant. (Tao)

View 74-picture slideshow here.

1:05PM Tao is showering. We’re going out to find a place to eat brunch. (Megan)
12:34PM Didn’t encounter any broken glass within a ten-block radius of Humboldt and Frost, many windows featured an asterisk-like pattern of duct-tape. In some cases it seems unclear if street debris was caused by Irene. (Megan)
12:13PM Megan returned with “a lot” of pictures. The most notable thing, she said, is “a tree in the middle of the road.” Slideshow forthcoming. (Tao)
12:06PM There is hot water and electricity is functioning normally. Have heard firetruck sirens twice, in the distance, in past ~60 minutes. Megan has not returned yet. (Tao)
11:40AM Megan went outside to investigate for any damage anywhere. The Daily Beast posted “Reporting Live in Toxic Shit.” (Tao)
11:31AM It’s sunny and “breezy” outside. Not raining. Leaves but no tree branches on street. No flooding on Humboldt and Withers. Air has a dry, crisp, Spring-time feel to it. (Tao)
11:27AM Everything is okay. Woke to discover sun is the only major difference in weather from last night. (Megan)
11:19AM

10:23AM Our writers either fell asleep or their power went out. Hope they aren’t in danger. Leigh Alexander tweeted that the storm’s “not really all that” but that her roof is leaking and there’s some water pooling outside her door. @tigresaa, who’s location is listed as Long Island, tweeted that the street water was 5-6 feet deep. Gothamist reported that Irene has been downgraded to a tropical storm, but that flooding is still a threat. Going to attempt to get someone else to fill in. (Brandon)
3:06AM

1:45AM Googled “how are storms named” and found “Worldwide Tropical Cyclone Names,” which includes “Pablo” for 2013. The website says “The only time that there is a change in the list is if a storm is so deadly or costly that the future use of its name on a different storm would be inappropriate for reasons of sensitivity.” (Megan)
1:36AM

1:15AM Light in room “dimmed”/brightened 2-3 times in a briefly undulating manner. Raining medium-lightly. Winds ~10mph. (Tao)
12:20AM Saw four others outside, few moving cars. Weather conditions seemed maybe 6% more intense than earlier. (Megan)
12:02AM We are going outside to find information. (Tao)
11:37PM Noticed on Facebook that Susan Orlean, author of the book Adaptation was an adaptation of, said “If #Irene were my boyfriend, I’d say enough with the foreplay, dude. The moment has passed.” on Facebook ~10 minutes ago. It currently has 9 “likes” and 4 comments. (Tao)
11:27PM Looked at Facebook after reading on Twitter that people on Facebook were saying things about “a sinkhole.” Clicked “Shark in the Streets of Puerto Rico after Hurricane Irene.” (Tao)
11:22PM Googled “hurricane irene path” and found article in Tuscon Citizen which quotes an un-named source: “‘We had no idea this area would ever have a [fill in the catastrophe] of this magnitude’ situation, lots of people will, one day or another, be in some very serious trouble.” (Megan)
10:50PM Seems quiet in room. Water/electricity seems normal. Do not hear wind/[anything] except from my window fan. @tao_lin/media, which is NYC-centric, I feel, seems less active than normal. @spiers Tweeted “IRENE IN NEW YORK disappointing so far. Too-long windup, not enough plot development…” at 10:42PM. (Tao)
10:06PM Returned with take-out. At Sel De Mer, twelve people sat at tables while R&B slow jams played—seemed unusual for 6 minutes before closing. Head waitress reported an “understaffed, crazy” kitchen. She lives in an evacuation zone and has secured a place to stay within walking distance. As I exited, a lone man walked in, said “are you guys open,” looked pleased with himself. (Megan)
9:59PM Googled “hurricane irene looting.” Clicked “When does the looting start during Hurricane Irene? – Yahoo! Answers.” Felt unsatisfied with answers. (Tao)
9:44PM Googled “hurricane irene zones.” Clicked “Hurricane Irene: Michael Bloomberg makes last-ditch evacuation plea.” Read that as of ~40 minutes ago only ~5,500 people are in evacuation centers set up for 70,000 people. Comment if you are in an evacuation center. Interesting pictures of anything may be emailed to us at binky.tabby [at] gmail.com. We will credit/link your picture if we post it. (Tao)
9:31PM Megan left to get our take-out order. (Tao)
9:14PM Feel like there will be widespread looting. Closest chain store from us (451 Humboldt Street, ~5 blocks from Graham L stop) that I can think of is Duane Reade off Bedford Avenue. Comment if you have any looting information. (Tao)
9:09PM Sel De Mer has issued the forebodingly ordinary estimate of 20 minutes for carry-out. (Megan)
8:49PM Sel De Mer at 374 Graham is open for dinner until 10PM. Ordering take-out. If anyone has questions comment them and we will answer. (Tao)
8:40PM Light in room “dimmed” momentarily. (Tao)
8:38PM One TV at the deli showed weather man standing in front of a .gif-like hurricane update. The other TV showed “live,” probably un-recorded security camera footage of things happening in the deli (a man watching TV and two people paying for energy drinks and eggs). Left deli as weather reporter said “Tropical action is ready to begin.” (Megan)
8:35PM Raining lightly. ~5-10mph wind with ~15mph gusts. Deli on Graham and Withers is open and seems well-stocked. Large-screen TV inside says there is a tornado warning. ~2-4 people walking on sidewalk on Graham. (Tao)

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Ice Block

“Snow”

Uranus

A Cold One

Edward Cullen

Antarctica

Attractive Young Hispanic Woman Posing In Swimming Pool

Eskimos

Kate And Leo in Titanic

Snow Cone

Jack Nicholson In The Shining

Anna Wintour

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Just kidding! Wouldn’t that be disgusting? Funny Or Die has released a fake movie trailer for Sunday Comes Afterwards in which the tween singer has to rally the world when a natural disaster strikes. The scary thing is that we can actually see this movie being produced by a major studio IRL. Sigh.

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This NSFW-ish collection from Mariel Clayton, a self-taught photographer influenced primarily by Japanese miniatures and her grotesque loopy imagination, takes beautiful dolls and backdrops them against scenes of violence and filth: suicide, murder, sodomy, cannibalism, anything subversive really. The titles are as provocative as the images.

H is for Hamartiology

A is for Adipocere

‘For You Valentine… a Piece of My Heart’

Lie Back and Think of Libya

She Loves Dinner Parties… The Leftovers Last for Days…

Play Nicely With Daddy

Look, Ken’s head is in the washing machine!

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Gareth Lloyd and Tom Martin thought it would be a fun idea to geo-tag every Wikipedia entry in existence and make a visually pleasing video of the result. Sorta makes it look like nothing of any consequence happened outside of Europe until the 1700s, which makes enough sense if you operate under the assumption that everyone that’s written or edited a Wikipedia entry is most likely rich/ educated/ Western/ industrialized.

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Socraft: The discipline and understanding of leveraging social networks in order to achieve exposure / recognition / power / interaction. E.g.: “Adam has been into socraft ever since he got a Twitter in 1996.”

Getting Gills: Establishing a social presence. E.g.: “Yo did you see Sheen last month? Dude got gills quick.”

Bubbling: Practice of placing extreme limits on interaction with more than a few people. E.g.: “I’ve been thinking about bubbling but I’m trying to promote an APP this month so I might wait on it.”

Swimming: Consistent, committed brand maintenance via social media. E.g.: “Ogilvy has really been swimming hard this week” [or alternately] “I can’t keep swimming with this fucking poetry book, I need a new meme.”

Sinking: See above. E.g.: “Look for some sinking to occur in the retail + social media sector post-holidays.”

Soaping: Formal brand social media broadcast interactions. E.g.: “Thank you for following! Please check out (tinyurl) for updates on our / my (reason for existence) [via DM]”.

Souping: Casual / informal social media / web use by an organization or person. E.g.:
“They’re so soupy at (company name) I’ll bet they have a full timer on 4chan.”

Open Pit Twitter Mining: The practice of following and then unfollowing a large number of people (also: “shrimping”). E.g.: “Did y’all get followed by Iron and Wine? I wonder if he’s personally doing the shrimping or if it’s an intern.”

Open Pit: A Twitter account temporarily engorged with follows (also: “shrimp net”). E.g.: “Did you see Columbia sportswear today? That shit is an open pit… embarrassing for their CMO.”

Copiapo: An over-extended Twitter user. An account permanently engorged with follows to such an extent as to make it non-functioning for all purposes save “search” and “@reply.” E.g.: “I was one of Carles’s first follows and thought he saw something special in me… it broke my heart watching his profile turn into copiapo.”

Hiking: Refers to periods of decreased socraft. These periods predominately occur between bouts of intense interactivity during which most often the user has an achievement or thing to promote. Not to be confused with “sinking.” E.g.: “Remember when Robin Pecknold from Fleet Foxes went hiking for like six months in 2010? His old Twitter was better, too.”

Wilderness: Obviously unused social media presence. E.g.: “Ok so Overstock.com’s Twitter is total wilderness duh.”

Bathhouse: The early phase of an established small to medium sized business’s social media presence: a time during which it is maintained mostly (and infrequently) by older white businessmen. E.g.: “I was following Applebees a while ago when it was still a total bathhouse.”

Going Turbo: Frenetic, possessed, “zombie-like” (sic) promotional interaction. E.g.: “Glasslands says that if we want to play there we need to bring a minimum of 35 people… we’ve either got to pull out or go turbo.”

Supersoaking: Spraying followers with exactly the right amount of messaging right before they go to sleep / eat / fuck / party in attempts to reach their unconscious. Highly effective for brands and people hoping to gain an authentic following. E.g.: “Nike tried supersoaking but it backfired. Only sneaker nerds want to dream about Air Jordans.”

Slurptime: The period upon joining a new IRL community during which it will appear appropriate to add new online contacts. Alternatively: the time during which a new social media platform’s novelty facilitates IRL contacts. E.g.: “When I moved to Brooklyn things were pretty mellow online. I mean slurptime had already ended, with work and with the band.”

Slurping: Easily gaining new social contacts by leveraging IRL events or credentials. E.g.: “Hump has been slurping on his movie i guess… mad hits breh…”

Going HAM: See “Going Turbo” (above). E.g.: “When the mixtape dropped I went HAM and Twitter mined for four hours straight.”

Going Zany: Using intoxication as a means or excuse to “loosen up” with one’s presence. E.g.: “I love it when young celebs go zany and piss off their management.”

Getting Skinny: Being overly cautious and avoiding all non-beneficial / self-promoting social media activity. E.g.: “Zachary German is always getting skinny with his podcast shit but I guess it works for him so whatevs.”

Turbo-HAM: A period of complete immersion in one’s brand. Temporary post-corporeality. E.g.: “Bro I was just thinking… what if Judith Butler went turbo-HAM. She could really change shit u kno?”

Fatting: Getting huge and adding too many bots who are into the band Muse. E.g.: “To anticipate the launch of their new soap, Dove Care Products has been fatting.”

Going Liquid: When a company finally agrees to float their social presence in an open-ish forum. E.g.: “It’s so great that a lot of small brewing companies have been going liquid with Twitter. Fits their brands well, I feel.”

Going Solid: When a company minimizes their media presence to ‘just a really clean website with a land line number.’ E.g.: ”Many fashion labels are going solid this season…”

Catch the Limit: When an account stops taking on new followers to preserve a desired follow ratio (also, “Staying Creamy”). E.g.: “When I finally catch the limit I’m gonna only follow people who are more famous than me, or who I drink with.”

Sauron: Someone from another region who adds you on all social networks in an uncomfortably short period of time. E.g.: “This German guy I met in Berlin on vacation gave me the sauron when I got back to Brooklyn. So uncomfortable.”

Full Eyes: Adding someone on a bunch of different social sites. E.g.: “The cute boy from accounting gave me full eyes last night. I’m so stunned.”

Needledicking: Making direct contact with a person of higher online social standing within a given community with no fixed intentions or propositions – mainly (merely) to say what’s up or indicate approval of “what they are doing” – under the impression that said action may result in unforeseen future benefit. E.g.: “Biches are needledicking my fake Bill Gates account…”

Hammerfucking: Creating and using over three times in under five minutes a hash tag which fails to catch on with any of your ~32 followers or the several @mentions therein contained. E.g.: “Lol do you remember when William Gibson was hammerfucking last night? #drunk…”

Gamer: Someone who appears menacingly concerned with social media statistics in a way that seems to dampen the growth of their brand. E.g.: “I’m working on this project with a big company and we need to get a gamer on board. Our analytics team needs help.”

Terminator: Radically unsentimental Twitter miner (also: “terminator mode”), differentiated from gamer in that the terminator seems motivated by a stronger sense of an end game, thus behaves with more confidence, more sure of the “substance” of their brand. E.g.: “Yeah I’m in terminator mode this month. I followed ten thousand people with mommy blogger hashtags and then dumped them the next day.”

Choicer: Someone overwhelmingly negative in tone across all platforms. The worst kind of seductiveness when it comes to managing a personal brand. E.g.: “I like Tao Lin’s books but he’s such a fucking choicer on Twitter. I mean be a human.”

Dogpile: A network of bloggers who consistently comment on posts by the same author. E.g.: “The art bloggers are dogpiling Paddy Johnson’s post on animated .gifs.”

Gandalf: Someone who is more experienced, more highly followed, and more skilled – a Wizard of socraft. E.g.: “Yeah so @cobaininacomba just Gandalfed me. I mean what is he doing messing with people who only have 50 followers??!”

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You have two options when you get to be really old: Die or become fodder for YouTube.

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