Pretending to have seen all the Golden Globe nominees is exhausting. I was an avid Breaking Bad fan. I saw American Hustle and The Wolf of Wall Street last week. And that’s where my list ends. I have no knowledge of any other film, television program, or the personnel therein. But you better believe I’ll have some strong feelings about Sunday night’s winners and losers.
For example, Gravity clearly deserves to win Best Picture. Breaking Bad is the only worthy option for Best TV Series. And if Rebecca Ferguson doesn’t win Best Actress in a Mini-Series or TV Movie, I’ll literally kill myself.
The Globes are fun. It’s Sunday night. There’s really nothing else to do. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are having an infectiously good time. Twitter is abuzz with hope for wardrobe malfunctions and erotic performances. Still, there’s an element lacking. After the monologue and the first few award presentations, I lose attention. I cease pretending to care about the apparently superb scoring of five films I haven’t seen. From the second commercial break on, I’ll turn to browsing the Internet on my phone, which is actually good, because I have droves of 50 Ways To A Better You In 2014 articles to get to.
The Globes need to be more fun. And that’s where my childlike competitive spirit comes in handy. I’ve devised the following game to play while watching the Golden Globes. Feel free to read the instructions and play along.
The Golden Globes Fun Times And Happy Smiles Game
First thing’s first: Go to the Golden Globes website and print out the nominees list. If you do not have a printer, you are fucked. You cannot watch the Golden Globes.
Next, for each award, circle the name of the nominee who you think will win. Confused? Think March Madness bracket, without all the weird lines and stuff.
Now, go grab some friends, because you can’t play this game alone! If you do not have any friends, you’re in luck: My mom says her book club has a spot opening on a first come/first serve basis, so just email me or something and I’ll set it up.
Finally, purchase beer. You can have each of your friends buy a different 6-pack. Or you could rob a brewery (another fun group activity!). Doesn’t really matter to me, so long as you’re drinking beer. Unless of course you’re watching with my mom’s book club, in which case wine may have to suffice, because she’s on a special post-holiday diet.
Okay, time for some math! Each award is weighted for importance, because obviously, Best Picture matters a whole hell of a lot more than Best Original Song. The twenty-three Golden Globe awards fall into six categories: 5 points, 4 points, 3 points, 2 points, 1 points, and negative points. If you correctly predict an award in the 3-point category, reward yourself 3 points, and so on. If you correctly predict an award in the negative points category, deduct 3 points from your total, because you deserve to be punished. Here’s the breakdown…
5 Point Awards
Best Motion Picture (Drama)
Best Motion Picture (Musical/Comedy)
Best TV Series (Drama)
4 Point Awards
Best Actress in a Motion Picture (Drama)
Best Actor in a Motion Picture (Drama)
Best Actress in a Motion Picture (Musical/Comedy)
Best Actor in a Motion Picture (Musical/Comedy)
Best Actress in a TV Series (Drama)
Best Actor in a TV Series (Drama)
3 Point Awards
Best TV Series (Musical/Comedy)
Best Animated Feature Film
Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture
Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture
2 Point Awards
Best Actress in a TV Series (Musical/Comedy)
Best Actor in a TV Series (Musical/Comedy)
Best Supporting Actress in a Series, Mini-Series or TV Movie
Best Supporting Actor in a Series, Mini-Series or TV Movie
1 Point Awards
Best Original Score
Best Original Song
-3 Point Awards
Best Foreign Language Film
Best Actress in a Mini-Series or TV Movie
Best Actor in a Mini-Series or TV Movie
And that’s it. Now you’re ready to watch. Just gather around a television, flip to NBC, and enjoy. Remember to laugh at the jokes, cry during the poignant segment, and tweet things to remain a relevant member of society. For every win you predict correctly, down your beer. You deserve it, champ! For every one you don’t correctly predict, take a swig instead. No delicious beer for you.
Upon the show’s conclusion, tally everyone’s scores to find the winner. You then have two options, contingent upon how much beer you’ve all ingested.
Option 1: The winner gets the money for his portion of beer refunded, as well as bragging rights until next year’s Golden Globes.
Option 2: You are too drunk to add the scores, so there is no winner but really isn’t everyone a winner?
Enjoy the Globes, friends, and hooray pop culture!