So Apparently ‘Adult Preschool’ Is A Thing Now

I have to admit, I get a bit jealous of today’s children with all their gadgets and opportunities. When I was a kid no one fretted over whether I spent 10,000 hours mastering some talent that would eventually make me famous. If only my Mom had faced more pressure to outdo the other Moms— I might’ve had an entire clan of American Girl dolls with expensive beauty regimens and furniture suites.

Apparently I’m not the only one who wants a do-over. In Brooklyn, you can now enroll in “Preschool Mastermind,” an adult preschool that helps you “experience the magic of life as it was originally intended.” They cover concepts such as “sharing” and “friendship” and let you play with glitter glue when it’s not nap or snack time.

I know what you’re thinking—snacks and a nap sound AMAZING right now. But do we really need to pay $300 to $1000 a month to some trust-fund hipster so we can eat goldfish and pass out with Play-Doh in our hands?

I’m all for being playful and approaching life with a sense of wonder, but I have to call bullshit. It’s the sort of faux brilliance we assign to people and ideas that are so worthless we assume there has to be some deeper meaning. But no— this is really as dumb as it sounds. The founder of Preschool Mastermind claims to have “nearly half a degree in Early Childhood Education” and by my own estimation at least 3/4 of a degree in dressing like Miley Cyrus.

Is it really worth an average of $600 a month to hang out with a bunch of other adults and discuss your superpowers while lamenting the fact you aren’t what you wanted to be when you grew up? Because I can think of a lot more fun to be had with $600. Like buying six full body massages, or a flight to Chile, or making a massive payment on my student loans. I don’t need a grown ass woman in fairy wings to tell me that magic is real, because I already know what magic feels like— it feels like having the freedom to do what I want with my life because I’m not a child anymore.

I think we’re too obsessed with youth and too preoccupied with giving our kids the perfect set of experiences that we’ve idealized childhood to the point of jealousy. I find it off putting that a bunch of adults with enough money to spend on going back to preschool would choose to sit on carpet circles and play with blocks. That’s not magic. That’s delusion.

But hey, you’re an adult, you get to make your own choices (until you enroll) so if you want to register, all you have to do is fill out their form with markers, crayons or paint. This is their way of initiating you into a constant stream of manufactured experiences that are meant to make you feel carefree and youthful. They also ask that you go ahead and arrange payment. Imagine that.