Thought Catalog
October 6, 2016

I Thought Being Skinny Would Be Enough, But I Was Wrong

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Dominik Martin
Dominik Martin

I was 176
When the high school health department
called my mother and said my weight was approaching dangerous waters
And hence the sugar liquids
that flooded my shelves
wiped out themselves
but what couldn’t be washed away
was my will to health.

I was 160
When I maxed out my gym membership
I had dates with the treadmill more than my trainer had arranged
I logged in kale, wheat wraps and 1400 calories max
I was happy that putting on jeans weren’t as burdensome anymore.

I was 140
When I officially announced to my family that I could give away my old jeans
I could now shop at F21 and Urban Outfitters
I didn’t feel so out of place in school anymore.

I was 135
When Cheerleader Clarissa asked me how I did it
I said Burpees and Boiled chicken breast
Daniel, the cute one, asked me to text him the homework after school
I remember my first time running 5 miles and having nothing but water that day
When I got invited to the pool party.

I was 130
And I was 130 for a very long time
I ran, jogged, sprinted and cried
but the number still would not go down.

I was 122
When chew n spit became my anthem
And my face got way too close to toilets
My face paled my stomach grumbled
But my thigh gap and bikini bridge for the summer couldn’t wait;
appetite could.

I was 115
When Daniel ignored me in the hallways
“Maybe if I lost another 10 pound he would start talking to me again”
Some days I chewed gum for hours
And when the clock strikes 3 in the morning, when I cannot take it anymore, I binge on three kit Kats and then try to get the devil out of me with a toothbrush.

I was 103
When I fainted during morning assembly
I heard Cheerleader Carrisa snicker before I blacked out
She’s still weird and ugly
There could only be one reason
why I was still far from beautiful
My appetite was still too big
3 digits are 3 digits too big.

I was 96
When the high school health department
called my mother and said my weight was approaching dangerous waters
And hence the sugar liquids
that used to flood my shelves
rearranged themselves back in line
but what couldn’t be washed away
was my will out of health. TC mark

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