I am convinced there is something inside me
that does not want me to be happy
it pulls me under
and it’s not that I want to choke
but the water is warm
and it’s hard to fight
the current

I was never a strong swimmer

They give it a name
I take what they tell me to
I drink the water
instead of drowning in it

I wake up and it’s better
so I do things like clean my room
and go for a walk around
the block

It’s better so that’s supposed to mean
I am too

I throw out things I used to love
I brush my teeth five times in one day
I meal prep for three weeks
I squeeze a month
into five hours

is it still balance
if I only do it
in extremes?

I am trying
I promise
I am trying