My dearest darling Nick Oh, hey Nick, haha, what’s up?!! Didn’t see you there. I’m so casual and cool and breezy.
How are you? I hope Crossfit is going well. I hope you’re taking breaks to watch, as promised by secret Olympian God, Chris Harrison, THE most dramatic season of The Bachelor everrrrrr. I sure am. You are attractive. Not sure if anyone has ever told you that before, but yeah, YA LOOK GOOD.
We’ve never met. I sent in a tape for this season but I guess it got lost in the mail. If it ever shows up, can I get my flash drive back? I bought it from Gamestop for like, $14.99. Tell Elan he can Venmo me.
Going purely by your on-television romantic history, you like feisty brunettes. Well, Nick, I’m here to tell you I’m a feisty brunette! So feisty, in fact, I’m no stranger to eating raw onions and leaving candles unattended. I like to live on the edge. With heartburn.
Like Andi, I also have brown hair. Like Kaitlyn, I also am a tiny, white girl who falsely thinks I’m good at rapping. I clearly have everything you’re looking for.
But hey, I get it. There’s a paycheck to be had and babes to be kissed. Nick, honey, go for it! Kiss them all. Fuck them all (but like, pls use condoms) for all I care. You are THE DAMN BACHELOR. Get that paycheck. Use those sponsorships. Take this gig straight to the bank and then hump it while you’re at the teller.
And when it’s all done and you’re either engaged or ‘taking things slow’, I’ll be here. The name’s Eastman, Ari Eastman.