October 18, 2016

The 8 Ridiculous (But Very, Very Real) Stages Women Go Through Before A First Date

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New Girl
New Girl

I’m not sure how dudes prepare for dates. I imagine it’s something like, “brush teeth, look in the mirror once (MAYBE twice), and make sure there’s a condom in wallet.” But also, I’m not a dude, so I might be completely wrong in my assumption. What I DO know is the series of steps (yes, there’s multiple) that women tackle before a first date. You think we just casually show up?!

Ugh, must be nice to be a man.

The first and most important, consult the coven.

This night is a group decision. You thought you were just communicating with the girl you asked out? Lol, no. Every detail has been discussed with her friends and if they decide it sounds like a good idea, the date will happen.

Intricate grooming.

Obviously how someone feels sexy is different for everyone, but TRUST that excessive time goes into making sure things are juuuust right. Whether that’s ripping every hair follicle from the body, or trying on the same outfit 5 times before deciding it looks good, it’s a laborious process.

Contemplate the chances of getting murdered.

She falls into a rabbit hole of serial killer Wikipedia pages and texts the coven that you share a striking similarity to Ted Bundy. Hopefully, just in the looks department. Awwwww, isn’t dating fun?!?!?

Googling your ass.

I mean, she’s definitely Googled you before. But she’s going to do another once-over. Check for any irregularities. Somehow stumble upon pictures of you and your ex. UGH. Now she’s going to have to make a mental note to not accidentally mention how pretty Heather is. Because she’s really, really pretty.

Come up with a good excuse to cancel.

The jitters before a first date are real. And the effort required in actually going out and meeting someone and carrying a conversation can be overwhelming. A sudden intense desire to stay home and put on sweatpants will wash over her. Should she say her grandma died? No, too bleak. She’s got the flu? Yeah, okay. That sounds good.

Consult the coven, again.

A panicked group texting situation will commence. She’ll probably say something like, “I WANT TO CANCEL. I’LL JUST GET SOME CATS, IT’S FINE!” And her friends will remind her that she’s allergic to cats. Basically, you can thank her friends for convincing her to not cancel.

Pep talk time.

Have you seen that video of the little girl in front of the mirror giving herself her daily affirmation? Yeah, a bit like that. But probably not as adorable.

Deep breaths and a ‘welp, here goes nothing’ mentality.

She’s out of the house. She has on pants (or a skirt, idk her personal sense of style!!!). Now she’s just hoping you turn out to be cool or, at the very least, not a murderer. Cheers!

TC mark

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