It Won’t Always Hurt Like This

That’s what someone told me a long time ago,
I’m not sure.
I’ve forgotten who it was.
“It won’t always hurt like this.”
It’s October and the leaves are falling.
I love this season because I like knowing
other things can feel cold,
besides this heart
and this body.

“It won’t always hurt like this.”
And I know, in some ways, this is true.
I don’t remember the specifics of how you smelled
or how it felt when you first kissed me.
I just know it was something like all my favorite seasons
rolled into one, like sweet and sour
and everything I’ve always loved on my tongue.

I’m in Starbucks when that song by Coldplay starts up.
The one about Green Eyes
and how you used to call me Green Eyes,
and I wrote a book called Green Eyes.

But, it won’t always hurt like this.
Right?

I count back the boys who have tried to love me since you.
Cut me open and carbon date this absence.
1536 days,
but
it won’t always hurt like this.

You must love someone wonderful.
You were never one to be alone.
That was my territory.
I sit in my solitude and say it’s a choice.
And it is. Because no one has been you.

All these years and spaces and cities,
no one has been quite like you.

But
it won’t always
hurt like this.

That’s what someone told me.
Once, a long time ago.

I’m waiting for that day,
for the non-hurting to begin.