October 17, 2016

For The First Time Ever, You Make Me Want To Be Reckless

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What is the issue?

I have always been cautious. No, not even cautious. Neurotically careful. I joke that I was born a Jewish grandmother (but in a 24 year old body – meow).

I refused to drink before turning 21. And it wasn’t out of some superiority kick, I just didn’t want to take any risks. Alcohol poisoning! Making a fool of myself! Getting in trouble for being underage! I wasn’t going to take an unnecessary chances.

I look both ways before crossing the street. And then check once more, juuuust to be sure.

I’m choosy with my social circle. I’m selective with who I trust. I’d rather stay in if I don’t know all the details of what’s going to happen. Which, unless I have some secret psychic power that I don’t know about, is obviously impossible to guarantee.

Are you getting a solid picture of who I am? I’m an anxious lil’ ball of fun! Like Jessica Day, but instead of being adorable and having a sitcom revolve around my antics, I’m just…nervous.

Trust me, I don’t love being this way. I know that it’s exhausting. There are days when it’s exhausting existing in my own brain.

But you bring something out in me.

You’re the first adventure I’ve ever wanted to take.

When you’re with me, I don’t need my life perfectly planned out. I want to hop in the car with you and drive for miles without a destination in mind. I’m okay with the road bumps and detours. I’m fine with not knowing where we’re going.

And it’s not just because you bring me a weird comfort I’ve never known. I think you make me brave. I’m learning from you. I’m looking my own phobias straight in the eyes and saying, “You don’t control my life.”

You’re making me a healthier, happier, more well-rounded person. And that’s what in the best circumstances love does. It makes you better.

Yes, I still get nervous crossing bridges. And when the news anchor mentions the slightly elevated possibility of an earthquake, I’m going to turn to you and say, “OH NO, WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE.”

But you kiss me. And there’s a lightness. There’s a freedom. I kiss you and there’s a desire to be wild, to be uninhibited.

Loving you is the first thing I’ve done without fear. Loving you is the first thing I’m willing to be reckless for. TC mark

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