When you enter your mid 20s, a few very fun things start happening.
Your metabolism starts slowing in a way you didn’t even have to think about when you were a teenager. Yeah, that pizza you ate earlier? It’s going to show up within two hours, max. All of a sudden, you’ve gained three pounds.
Friendships become harder to navigate. Sure, you’ve got those few that are going to be around forever, but college friends start dropping like flies as soon as you aren’t in the same vicinity. Your social life starts becoming very selective. Because, like, uhhhhh, you just don’t have as many options – er, I mean friends as you once did.
But above all else, the number one thing you’ll notice when you start teetering into your mid 20s, the people you grew up with are all getting engaged, married, or reproducing.
Except for you.
Ha. Ha. Ha.
Despite knowing technology is on our side and if we want to have a baby when we are 107, we probably can, there’s STILL a weird societal pressure when everyone around you starts moving onward with their “adult” lives.
You feel like you’re lagging in the race. Even if you know you’re not in competition with randos on Facebook you haven’t spoken to in years.
Oh, so Kathy, who I used to watch throw up just so she could drink more, is now expecting her first kid? Great.
This block of cheddar cheese and I are expecting our first baby too.
A food baby that I will have to pass in the next 4-6 hours. I just don’t make a big deal out of it. GEEZ, KATHY.
For every engagement ring I see, I pick a new kind of cheese from the grocery store to try. Also, I’m low-key lactose intolerant so I feel like more people should applaud my gallant effort.
When everyone you know starts getting married and you’re still rolling your eyes at Tinder messages, you’ll think the inevitable: Is it me? And Babe, I don’t know. Is it? Is it us?
If you’re me, a terrible thing you can do to temporarily feel better is recite divorce statistics in your head. If you’re even worse, you can pick out the specific couples from your timeline that you think won’t make it. Laugh as you do so.
When all else fails, clutch your mozzarella sticks tighter.
Happiness is beautiful and exciting and YADDA YADDA YADDA. It’s not that you aren’t thrilled people you know are finding love and fulfillment. It’s that you have found that with cheese products and no one seems to congratulate you.
I love this piece of manchego and I’d love just ONE person to say, “We’re happy for you.” Because manchego and I are very happy together. It might even be true love.
Ari Eastman’s new poetry collection, Bloodline, is now available for pre-order.