If She Spits On It, I’ll Take Her Shopping

I don’t think I’ll ever find my soulmate. I’m too busy on my phone.

I’ve learned that some girls will fuck you just for knowing the difference between “your” and “you’re.”

If I’m ever having a bad day I walk into a McDonalds or just remember that I’m not a fat single mom with ass zits. My favorite sex position is eating peanut butter out of the jar after she leaves.

I’ve never let anyone wearing khakis tell me that I can’t do something.

If it takes five minutes to scroll through pictures of your boyfriend or girlfriend to show your friend “a good one,” they’re fucking ugly.

Girls’ version of romantic is a candlelit, homemade dinner. Guys’ version is pushing your hair behind your ear when you give us a blowjob. Next time you’re on a first date and she’s about to order, text her a picture of your dick and say, “Might want to save room for that.” My favorite part about going on a date is finding all the different opportunities throughout the night to talk about myself.

That’s cool if you don’t do one-night stands. I’ll lock you in my basement for a whole weekend so it doesn’t feel so wrong.