November 20, 2016

Trust Me, It Really Hurts To Stop Loving You

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Joshua Earle
Joshua Earle

Trust me, it really hurts to stop loving you.

We have known each other for a very long time. I don’t know when I started developing feelings for you, but I definitely know that presently, I love you. Throughout all these years, you have been on dates and finding your significant other while I am just your friend. I tried turning a blind eye to it. I tried ignoring it, because your happiness is always my priority. It didn’t work.

Every time I wanted to start a relationship elsewhere, every time I became friends with another girl, the thought of you came to my mind. It hurts. I couldn’t let you go no matter how hard I tried. Many times I have flirtatiously chatted with female counterparts, but the barrier, the mental limiter – you – is always there. I knew I couldn’t love someone else, because I love you. I don’t know if you have similar feelings for me, because it definitely doesn’t seem so.

I tried distancing myself from you, I didn’t reply as enthusiastically, but never will I stop replying your messages. I couldn’t do it. I thought the phrase ‘out of sight, out of mind’ would hold true, but instead I think what happened was ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’. It’s been over a decade since I knew you. Frankly, that’s about as long as I have been loving you.

Throughout these – more than 10 – years, frequently I dreamt about you, about us. Occasionally I had caved in to despair and broke down, trying to accept the fact that the love isn’t mutual. I am not that strong. I am sure nobody is strong enough to love someone for such a long time without reciprocation.

I loved all our chats and messages, I remember nearly all of them – not because it’s sweet, but instead it’s bitter and painful. I know that while you’re my priority, I’m not yours. I know that you see me as a liability, as someone whom you reply to because I am your friend. I do not want that for you. However, it pains me more to not be talking to you.

I wanted to share your woes but you always hid it from me. I wanted to share your happiness which you always keep it to yourself. I shared my life with you, I frequently told you that I loved you, but all I had in return was a couple of words, a one sided conversation, a simple sign of ‘read but didn’t ignore you.’ Does that sounds painful? Do most people just give up and move on? I wish I could, that’s what I have been experiencing for nearly half my lifetime.

I know this isn’t healthy for me. I am glad that I haven’t spiraled into depression yet, but I don’t know how long I could continue this way. I really want to move on. I tried to cold my heart, I tried to look happiness elsewhere. However, every time I see your smile all of my efforts just wastes away, as much as I steeled my heart, you cut it through like butter every time you said ‘hi’ to me.

I really want to stop loving you because I know you don’t love me. However, it’s not really as easy as ‘just move on’ when I have been loving you for half my life. It really hurts to do so but I really fucking love you. I still and will always do.

I can only hope fate doesn’t treat me this cruel in my next life. TC mark

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