November 30, 2016

If I Was Responsible For Your Happiness, You Would be Happy

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We had a love that I know was true. I can’t forget the way you looked at me and I probably never will. I made mistakes, but I never intentionally hurt you, I loved you too much to do that. The funny thing is that even though you broke up with me, my heart hurt for you. I cried for you, I tried for you, I wanted to make things right for you. When I asked for closure it was too make it easier on you. I noticed the stars and dreams fall from your eyes right in front of me, and I blamed myself for that for a long time.

I was going through my own tough time and was selfish. I tried to rely on you to help me through things when the reality was, at the time, that you needed me more than I needed you. You needed me to be there for you, because things were harder on you than they were on me. I tried to talk to you about things, but that is not how you handle hard times in your life; you needed me to be there for you and treat you like the king that I used to. You needed me to tell you I loved you and wanted you and you needed me to roll with the punches for you. I did not do that, I became angry and mean with you instead. I realized tol late my mistake.

You now blame me for the reasons you were unhappy, that I did not do a good job of making life easier on you or making you happier; but I was not the reason for your unhappiness that came first.

You tell me you are happy now, but I know that is not true. If it were, you would not be so bitter with me. I forgive you for being cruel, resentful and for hurting me. I can only assume you did so because you realized all this deep down, and you know I can handle it, and I can. I think you fell in love with me for my self esteem, my wild side, my romanticized ideas, my need for freedom and the way I do not let people get to me. You see these things about me are all the things you wished you were.

I saw that fire in your eyes when you used to talk about getting away, I know it was something you always wished you were brave enough to do, and you knew I could give that to you. You lack self-esteem, I have always known that; it’s always been heartbreaking to see because you are kind and funny and handsome as hell and it always hurt me that you did not see yourself the way I did. I know I never made you happy, I just brought out parts of you that made you feel happy.

Then you became unhappy, but not with me, with yourself. 

You started having self esteem issues, work problems and health problems, and it impacted you. You lost friends and blamed me but it was not my fault, your friends and you just grew apart for no real reason other than that is just what happens in life. You do not adjust well to change because you love too much to let go of things, which is one of the things I both loved and hated about you. You were simply unhappy with life. I should have saw this sooner, maybe then I could have helped you come out on the other side of this. I should have been stronger for you. I should have rolled with the punches for you. I should have realized sooner that you were hurting because I was closest to you but that was neither my fault nor yours. I am sorry you are unhappy and I am sorry I could not make things easier on you. I just want you too know that I am happy, I am still the girl you fell in love with, I did not change, I did not make you unhappy, I just was not there for you the way I should have been and for that I am sorry.

You can continue to be angry and bitter with me, I can handle it, because I know I did not steal your happiness, life did that. I just realized too late that I should not have let your unhappiness steal mine, because you needed me to be my happy self, you needed support and I did not give that to you. I am happy, I laugh and I have been strong about this. Because that, that is what you needed from me all along. I am happy because you never made me happy or unhappy and I never relied on you for my happiness. I loved having you around because you made my good and bad days better, just by being in my life, you tamed me, you made me want to be a better person. You made me realize parts of myself I did not know existed, you challenged me, you made me grow, but you never made me happy or unhappy. You just made me better.

I lost a great man, that hurts, but you lost that man too and I am sure that hurts you more than me. I understand now why you do not want me back because the only thing scarier than losing someone you love is losing yourself. 

Once you lost yourself, it was easy for you to lose me, and regardless of what you say, I know that does not mean you do not love me anymore.
If you are reading this just know I can accept things, know I still love you, know I am here for you, and know that I want to see you happy again.

My only advice to you is too stop looking for happiness in other people and in trivial things like hockey and substances and parties, you will not find it.

Look for it within, stop blaming yourself for the things you cannot control, know it is okay to be sad about the things and the people you have lost but learn to accept it. Spend more genuine time with yourself not other people and you will realize how wonderful you actually are, you may even find you like your own company.  Hell I used to love your company more than my own or anyone else’s, and that is not something anyone in this world other than you has had the honor of accomplishing. I am much too happy to let you bring me down and too wise to blame myself for your unhappiness. I am stronger and better, and will be that way for both you and I. TC mark

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