September 11, 2016

To The Guy Who Will Never Love Me Back

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I loved you since the day we met, since the day we were placed in the same project group. The sun seemed to shine a little brighter and my heart seemed to beat a little faster when you were around. But what changed most was how I took a little while more to prepare for the day ahead when I knew you were going to be around.

Remember all those drama and movie clichés where the girl starts to steal glances at the guy or starts fixing her hair to give out her best impression? I gave in to those things. I could be the roughest and rowdiest amongst my girlfriends, but in front of you, I suddenly become the gentlest and sweetest girl I could ever be. I could be walking around, just going about my daily routine – but the moment I catch a glimpse of you, my head whips around so fast I almost twist my neck in the process of doing so. And this scares me, because suddenly, I don’t know who I’m staring at in the mirror.

The girl who couldn’t care less about what other people think is suddenly self-conscious about the way she acts, looks, and seems to you.

My life definitely doesn’t revolve around you. I have my own circle of friends whom I hang out with. I have my own hobbies and my own interests. I understand perfectly that if we ended up together, it doesn’t mean we would need to have everything in common. But when I’m watching a movie, I can’t help but wish the person sitting next to me was you. When I’m hiking, I wish the person walking next to me was you. When I’m making brownies, I wish I could have the courage to give you a container of them and tell you how I made them for you.

Every time your name is mentioned, I become very attentive. I want to know everything that has to do with you. When you’re down with a cold, I become so flustered that my whole day is just ruined. When you’re celebrating, I want to give you a hug and tell you that you’ve done a great job and you’re amazing. When you’re struggling, I want to be there to be the one to help you or just to tell you that it’s fine and everything will be alright. My mind becomes occupied with you almost all the time and yet, I don’t see that it’s the same for you.

I talk to you casually, hoping for us to be able to start a conversation, but you answer with short, curt replies. I smile at you, hoping for a smile back, but it never happens. I desperately look for signs that you feel the same – yet all I get is the cold shoulder that suggests I should leave you alone. And so, I do. I’ve made up my mind to never burden you with my feelings anymore. I’ll hide it deep down, never letting anyone else know just how much I love you. And I’ll do it because I love you. I see the guilt in your eyes because you cannot love me back and because I see how much it bothers you to be around someone you don’t love, but who loves you so deeply.

So it’s okay for you to not love me back, but just know that if you were to wake up one day realizing that I’m the one for you, I’ll still be here, waiting. TC mark

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