Unmotivated. Angry. Tired. Irritable. Negative. Sad. Reclusive… We all have someone in our lives that comes to mind. And for some of us, it’s ourselves.
There’s no warning or notice of when or why I feel the way I do, and unfortunately there isn’t a reason. Some days I feel invincible. Days where I am confident, proud, and beautiful, fully believing in myself to become anything I want to be.
Then, the days come where I become my own worst enemy. I don’t eat a single meal, go outside, or even leave my bed, because I would rather sleep so I can escape the reality that comes with being awake. The physical pain I endure is indescribable. The weight on my shoulders feels as if gravity is 10,000 pounds and pushing me far into the ground.
Running into anyone in public is mortifying and embarrassing because all people focus on are my puffy, wet eyes, and my lack of an explanation.
Life feels pointless and my existence seems utterly worthless. I’m irritable and angry, blaming how I feel on everyone and everything that crosses my path, including you. And for this I am sorry.
This is a message to all of the people in my life, even those who I have parted ways with, whether it was a result of my weakness or not. I hope for this message to reach all of you so that you know I do not mean to become someone I am not, or to act like nothing is ever enough. I want to explain to you that it’s hard for me to see the reality of who I am, and quite honestly, I don’t see what you see in me.
You may see a bright, funny, beautiful young woman, yet I see nothing but the opposite. In my eyes, every part of me should be different, should be better, skinnier, prettier, smarter.
I have leaned on you and turned to you for help, but I now realize I am the only person who can make me happy. I have acknowledged my weakness and will continue to fight it for the rest of my life. Although this is a burden of mine, and a huge part of me, it does not determine what I am capable of.
I am sorry. I am sorry for what I have put you through, and what I may put you through in the future. All I ask is to please remember who I truly am, and not who my depression makes me, because in the end, you are the reason I am here and why I have continued to exist in this world with you. Without you, I would be even more lost, a hopeless wanderer, helplessly existing. And for what, I may never know how to repay you.
Suffering from depression and anxiety is searching tirelessly for freedom.
Freedom for all the moments of life plagued with darkness and despair. You give my feelings validity, even if you don’t understand. Many important people have come and gone and I have finally accepted that, but what I will always remember is that you stayed.
When I am lost and irrational, I am not the person you know and love. Thank you for your patience, your compassion, your perspective, and your love. Thank you for reminding me that I am remarkable and irreplaceable. But most importantly, thank you for fighting for me when I couldn’t.