Thought Catalog
July 14, 2014

My Husband Wasn’t Passionate About Anything, So I Found A Lover Who Was

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Tela Chhe
Tela Chhe

I cheated on my husband and I can’t really explain why. He’s a wonderful guy, truly a sweet, sweet man who has never done a cruel thing to me.

For 30 years I never looked at another man, never found another man attractive except for him. Then one day, I began receiving attention from a male acquaintance. Text messages, flirtatious comments, and the attention and flattery made me feel wonderful, sexy, desirable, and for the first time in years, alive.

I recognized immediately, that this man wanted a quick fuck and nothing else and the proximity of our lives was quite a dangerous situation. So after some unfortunate making out and an ill-conceived moment where I allowed him to watch me masturbate in my underwear, I cut it off. Then, I went searching for something to replace the good feelings.

Oddly, the beginning of this journey seemed almost a healthy thing for my marriage. I was sexually charged up and was attacking my husband several times a week.

He was quite happy, but sex with him is typically very, very quick and there’s little kissing and zero passion. Even when I put it all out there and give him what any man would want, he comes quickly then basically has me masturbate myself to a climax. He does very little to get me there. He’s of small size, awkward in bed, and there’s no passion or romance.

He finds me attractive and loves the fact that his friends think I’m sexy and/or beautiful, but he never says it himself. In fact, despite my good body, he’s constantly teasing that I’m fat. I’m categorically not overweight. Not one person that sees me would think of me as fat, and that’s why he thinks it’s funny to say that. But there’s no romance, no effort on his part; I make all the effort…even still I make an enormous effort and it’s always the same thing. He’s left happy and satisfied and I’m left to my own efforts.

Eventually, I went on Ashley Madison and began chatting with a couple of guys.

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Sexy chatting is all I thought I wanted. Eventually, the steamy talk led to my meeting three men. The first one was a total misrepresentation. He had photo-shopped himself and after a brief conversation, I left quickly. The second was smarter, a little cute, and a good conversationalist. He felt a spark that I did not and after an awkward and uncomfortable kiss, I tossed him aside. The third man was clearly the most intelligent and humorous of all the men I had texted with. We decided to meet and although upon first glance I felt this wasn’t going to go well, his conversation, his style, his sense of humor, his personality…well, it all drew me in very deeply.
Funny thing was, I thought three strikes and I’d be out. I’d run home to my sweet, loving husband and never look back.

I had dinner with this man and found myself very attracted to him. We went out to his car and had one of the hottest make out sessions of my life. There was some touching and it was very passionate. A few weeks went by where we dated, made out, and petted. Finally, we met at a hotel and I made love with him…the first man outside my husband I had touched or tasted in 30 years. It was exhilarating, but I was consumed with guilt. I cried all the way home, but his frequent texts, emails, and very sweet and romantic gestures literally swept me off my feet. The sex was the best of my life and he said the same thing about me. We would make love 4-5 times in a four to five hour period of time and it was loving, romantic, and deeply passionate…all the things both of us were missing from our marriages.

We met up once or twice a week. During this time, I began seeing a therapist to figure out why I was risking hurting my husband, a man I truly, truly love and will always love. Both my lover and I made it very clear to each other, that we were not looking to change our home situations. The therapist offered no insights other than to mention that I was risking my wonderful family. I couldn’t figure out how I got here, or how to get out. Eventually I stopped seeing the therapist as we agreed I was not interested in stopping seeing this man who I was falling in love with.

While it sounds like I was the only one in love, my lover was even more deeply committed than I. He even seemed to occasionally hint that he would consider changing his home situation, were I free. He knew and understood that I had no intention of changing anything. We were lovers for a year, almost to the day, when one day when we were looking at each other’s phones, I saw a text from someone that said, “I love you.” It was not his wife, but an old girlfriend. He claimed to have had no contact with her since they were in their 20’s, but I think I have been duped and am now feeling so confused, hurt, and lost.

He’s written multiple apologetic emails, but I cannot trust him any longer. It was a wonderful affair, but now I think I would have to be a fool to continue. So as of tonight, I will no longer see him. This kills me, because I really do love him….but I cannot be made a fool of. One very sad fact is that I will never have the love, passion, heightened sexual experience I had with him ever again. He was a once in a lifetime lover.

As to my husband, I will never tell him. I truly love him and the last thing I want to do is destroy my marriage or hurt him. He would be devastated and I know he would never be able to forgive me. This is perhaps just the exit situation I need. But I will not confess and destroy my husband to assuage my guilt. Getting it off my chest to put it on his, is not fair to him. I should be the one to suffer the guilt, not get off the hook by unloading on him. I will attempt to do what I can to re-kindle my marriage, but I know the sex will never be as satisfying or as loving or passionate. I am in mourning for that, and for the happiness I felt with my lover, but I must move on and try to be the better person that my husband deserves.

Even though this year was one of the happiest years of my life, I would not encourage anyone else to do this.

You can’t trust a person who cheats on their spouse to be true to you, regardless of what they say in the throes of passion. I need to sacrifice my own happiness to honor my broken vows and try to regain the self-respect I lost. I now have the unenviable task of faking happiness at home, when I’m dealing with a broken heart. But if I can avoid hurting my husband and family members by getting out now, all the pain in the world will be worth it. TC mark

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