I Don’t Feel Bad About Hooking Up With Unavailable Men, But Don’t Blame Me For It

The first time it happened, I was 17-years-old and in love. No really, I was in love with a boy who cheated on me, dumped me, and then stood before me and told me he wanted to take it all back. I believed him, oh the clichés, and we continued to have a not-so-secret relationship until he graduated high school and broke the news to his girlfriend. She still hates me to this day and I am still in love with him.

The next time it happened, I had no idea that the pretty boy I was making out with at a frat party had a girlfriend. My friends were kind enough to tell me, but the sex was just so good. It was the perfect situation — I genuinely disliked the kid, but we had passionate sex with zero feelings. I could continue to love the boy from high school who lived across the country while “scratching an itch” if you will.

Since the kid who didn’t tell me he had a girlfriend five years ago, I’ve hooked up with a grand total of 7 men who are in relationships. Throughout this time, I have slowly realized that I don’t believe in monogamy. I have been sporadically wracked with guilt for the feelings of the unknown girls, but I’ve come up with a method. I don’t come on to unavailable men—I make them beg for it. If they’re really asking me for it, than there is already something wrong in their relationship that is bigger than me. I don’t make it a regular thing, I don’t text them during the day or expect to go on dates. I don’t consider them a friend. I consider them a back scratcher who specifically meets my needs.

So, to all the spurned girlfriends out there, I’m sorry. I know you think throwing that drink in my face makes you feel a little better, but believe me — punching him in the face is much more satisfying. I’m not your problem. I’m in love with a wonderful man who knows all my faults and is okay with how I spend my time. If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is.