I’m Addicted To Porn And I Can’t Stop Myself

I am a 20-something and I am a porn addict.

It’s not always like this but there are days when I wake up and I just don’t want to deal with anything. Instead, I decide that the day will be mostly porn watching, jacking off, eating food and sleeping. Well, maybe I don’t decide this; it just kind of happens. Truth be told is that by the 10th time I ejaculate (if that’s what you want to call it) I try as much as I can to block out the thoughts that I had just spent a good portion of my time just living in complete oblivion. It’s not worth it though. Just a couple of moment of some sexual release. Sometimes, not even that. Just a little dribble. Just a little elevation in breathing. I focus on the faces and put myself in their place. My favorite type of porn is the kind that has group sex in it. Just some friends getting together to be sexual together. No big deal. They have no shame, no guilt, and no regret. Just acceptance. Just fucking. Just sex. Just being naked, orgasming and smiling at each other. It’s nice. I like that. I often wonder if I could do that. Just be okay with my sexuality and be as free and liberal as I want.

I can always tell when it is fake and not genuine. I cannot stand videos where you have people who look like they are acting or that they are being forced into it, although sometimes, I’ll even watch that and get off to that too. There are no limits. I just want to get off. I just want to degrade myself to oblivion and not feel anything. I start thinking about how much sex I am not getting and how much I am afraid of real relationships. Even the “relationships” that I have been in have been riddled with pornification to the point that it was no different than just jerking it behind a screen. There was little love, consideration and respect. Just more intrigue and excitement.

It’s 9:00 PM right now and I think I started at 9:00 AM today, I didn’t go to school and I didn’t leave the house (except for once to get my fix of McDonalds because porn and McDonalds go together for some reason). Throughout the day, I go to very dark places of thinking about how my life will never change and I will continue to be afraid to tackle my issues and my fears. Instead, I continue to watch porn on my computer, cellphone or just live off the fantasies in my head. It doesn’t make anything better and the payoff is mostly not worth it. I get really tired and my member becomes really raw and sensitive. Sometimes it hurts. I haven’t showered since yesterday and for some reason I like the smell I’m giving off because it reminds me of the smell of sex I used to have with the women I was involved with. I recently broke it off with one of my latest unhealthy relationships and I am still wallowing in that shit. I haven’t been able to give porn up because I feel like it keeps me connected to her. Some twisted fucked up shit.

The thing is that I’m a pretty normal guy, grad student, I study exciting scientific things and I teach classes. However, I’m not okay with any of it. When I get in this mindset, I don’t care about anything, I don’t want to think about anything, I want to throw it all away. I take everything for granted and I’m not grateful for anything. I am in the biggest hole of shame, guilt and hopelessness. My self-worth goes out the window and I only think about how I don’t like my life and how I want to just die. It’s only after 10 years of porn addiction and stagnation that things evolve into passive suicidal thoughts.

The funny thing is that I will probably wake up tomorrow and things will be okay again and I will once again convince myself that I will kick my porn habit once and for all. I will be on the top of the world and do amazing exciting things but then the moment that things don’t seem like they’re going my way, I fall right back into the pit of darkness that I have associated with my sexuality. Sexuality is not bad. It’s natural and beautiful, but unfortunately, porn has ruined it for me. It has ruined the way I look at and interact with women, which I claim to love and appreciate. Porn may not do this to everybody, but for me, it demolishes me. It brings me down every single time. So why do I get here every time? Because it’s familiar and because I become desperately hopeless to the point that I just don’t give a shit anymore. I know the start, middle and end and I know how to get into it and how to get out of it.

During this time, nothing exists outside of the erotic image in front of me and the “sexual” feelings I get, for lack of better words. I’ve tried many times to kick it and I’ve only been able to get a few months at best before the habit rears its ugly head and convince me that it is the best I will ever get and that it defines my sexuality and my manhood. I will continue to work on it, but tonight, I am sad and afraid that this is how my life will continue to be forever. I am angry at myself and I am angry at my background, upbringing and my culture that taught me how I should relate to women and sex. I want to blame those who taught me to tuck away my feelings and concerns and pretend that everything is okay. I am not okay. I am lonely and I am afraid. I feel that I am forced into whatever I am into right now and that I’m being held back from what I really want, which I cannot identify. I’m in the middle of counselling and group therapy. We’ll see how that goes. It’s helped a little so far but I’m not able to get too much sobriety under my belt. However, when I slip, it gets me here, to this very unclear state of mind that makes no sense and overshadows all the good in my life. Makes me so tired. So tired. So tired. So tired…and the addiction continues on.

I am a porn addict.