What It Means When I Look At Your OkCupid Profile
By Anonymous
I’m showing you to my friends.
When I check your profile multiple times after our date, it’s not because I’m obsessed with you. It’s because I’m showing my friends the profiles for all five OKCupid guys I’ve been out with in the past four nights. And honestly, we’re probably laughing at you because you thought using Photobooth’s color pencil effect was a good call and because you drunkenly confided in me that you think you’re a shaman.
I’m attempting to plagiarize your profile.
I hate filling out OKCupid’s “About Me” section because I don’t feel like I can be honest. If I could be, I’d write, “I’m a judgmental b-tch who likes DnD, Ayn Rand, and pushing away anyone who tries to get close to me. Sometimes I eat a sleeve of Oreos and spend the entire day on Tumblr. Impressed, gentlemen?” but then everyone would realize how pathetic I am even before messaging me. So I look at other straight girls’ profiles for ideas. I never find anything worthy of copying though, because most girls’ profiles look like this: [disclaimer about how much girl hates summarizing herself because she’s too complex of a being to fit inside of a text box, the name of the pet Pomeranian girl owns, and two or three insightful and descriptive sentences about how girl likes having a good time, doing stuff, going out, working out, hanging out, having fun, and laughing].
I know you from high school.
You probably don’t remember me. I wasn’t very memorable. But I saw your picture, recognized you, and decided I had to know whether I was winning some weird post-adolescent competition that exists only in my mind. I visit your profile to find out where you went to college, whether you now have a job, and most importantly, if I’ve surpassed you in hotness since we graduated. Don’t worry, I won’t send you an awkward message. We don’t need to reconnect.
I’m trying to manipulate you into messaging me.
If I actually wanted you to message me, I wouldn’t view your profile twice a day, every day, for a week. Okay — that’s a lie. I do that. But I change my settings so that you can’t tell how often I view your profile, or I take a couple of screen shots and save them in a folder with the same name as your username. (This leads to my mom borrowing my laptop and asking why I have so many folders titled with some variation of “taco.”) If you notice me frequenting your profile, it’s because I’m playing the game where I see how many times I have to view your profile before you message me. The lower the number, the less awful I feel about the guy I actually like on OKCupid not responding to the message I sent him while drunk, in which I told him I have screen shots of his face saved on my desktop and would he like to marry me? …Yet. I still have hope.