Not long ago I made a post on 4chan (a disgustingly male-dominated websty whose only, like, redeemable quality is its ability to like spread ideas quickly). In this post I called on all feminists and social-justice activists to start spreading the hashtag #endfathersday because it’s a sexist holiday and fathers are nothing but filthy cum-donors.
When I woke up this morning I saw the hashtag everywhere on Twitter and I was like so blown away at how viral it had become. I’m seeing so many great, fierce, and empowered posts under the hashtag, something that makes me super-duper proud to be a feminist in this day and age. Some people however, are like saying that it’s only a joke-hashtag or something like that. This is 114% FALSE. I made that hashtag from my HEART cuz I, along with most feminists, truly believe fathers are totally evil creatures. Let me tell you why:
My own father was never in the picture. My mother told me that after their divorce, which happened I was really young, she had issued a restraining order against him. She told me that my father had been really persistent and had tried on like several occasions to see me and keep custody of me, but that she had never allowed it and legal action had been taken against him as a result. At the time, being a foolish, unfeminist little girl I really wanted to see him, the Patriarchy had subconsciously forced me to love him and so it seemed to my childish and uncritical eyes like he wanted to see me too.
Looking back, however, I am glad he never was a part of my life. I have come to realize now, after analyzing my childhood with fearless and smart Women’s Studies professors, that my father left us out of chauvinistic selfishness. He had never tried to see me and there had been no restraining order against him placed by my mother. What my mother had told me was just a white lie, a strong feminist way to protect me, to make me think he wanted me.
He had abandoned us, probably because he hated women and children, was too lazy to take care of us and wanted to play Call of Warfare instead.
My mother raised me great. She didn’t need him. I turned out more than great anyway. I became a strong, independent woman with a kind heart and really smart thoughts. That lowly knuckle-dragging male would probably have raped me anyway. People talk about “male influence” as if it’s a positive thing, oh yeah, so raping your daughters and teaching your son to rape is positive now? My teachers tell me most men wish they’ll have daughters so that they’ll get access to easy, carefree rapery inside the home—to them it’s like having rape delivered to their door which saves them going to a park at night to wait in a bush for a female passerby. This is true, just look at Joseph Schnitzel, the Nazi guy who locked his daughter in the basement closet (like in Harry Potter but with less magic a little more rape).
We need more single mothers. Single mothers are the best ever. Single mothers are the best judges of character in the world. They produce the most upstanding citizens, the least stupid people, and the most feminist women. (Just look at me—I am the perfect example of the product of a strong single mother.) I think that, like, the government should forbid any father from being around their children. Their role should be reduced to cum donor only, because men are not capable of being anything else to a child—just look at my father; he abandoned my mother and me after my mother kicked him out of the house.
Now on every Father’s Day, I think of him—my father, that is. He is totally the only parent I have after my mother died in a tragic fishing accident a few years back. I wonder what he does, where he lives, and who he is currently abusing. Mommy made sure that he would be deported from this county and sent to the Iraqi desert if he ever tried contacting me. She convinced a really powerful legal to promise that this would happen by giving him a rimjob. She made that sacrifice (she said she enjoyed it, but still) just to protect me from that monster. What a strong, independent woman.
I don’t want to think about him anymore and therefore this evil, patriarchal tradition—Father’s Day—must. be. stopped. Fathers are no good. I think we can all agree on that, so keep tweeting under my hashtag #EndFathersDay or better yet, step it up a notch and tweet under my new exclusive hashtag—you seen it first here, #PutAPistolToPapasPenis.