We Need To Stop Allowing Women To Go To The Gym

Going to the gym as a woman is problematic due to the fact that it is against what I like to call the WABNMW-law, the Women Are Beautiful No Matter What law. Much like Newtons law of emotion and equal reaction or whatever, Gus’s (that’s me) law of WABNMW is one of the most important laws of the universe. Last year I added a little clause that made it WABNMWEITAOCOJF (Women Are Beautiful No Matter What Even If They Are Of Color Or Just Fat), but I use this only when I really need to cuz it’s so long.

That’s right, It is physically impossible for a woman to not be beautiful. That’s just the way it is. There is no argument about this. Anyone who disagrees with this point is clearly a sexist bigot. Women are diverse, vibrant and bubbly people. Women are smart, intelligent and fierce people. Women are beautiful people. Period. Do you have a problem with that? Denying that all women are beautiful should be a crime in the eyes of the law, the punishment of which should be equivalent to that of sexual assault.

So what message does entering a Temple of Rape Culture, Testosterone Storms and Bro Science Oracles (I’m talking about the gym like really fancily you nimrod) send to society? Let me answer that. It explicitly goes against the WABNMW law. It screams to the world in a hoarse and *triggerwarning* shrill voice, that self-improvement is possible or even desirable. This is a dangerous idea. Stop trying to change yourself girls, the world should change itself around you, you’re giving into Patriarchy’s expectations. Its leaders are probably laughing their asses off at their HQ’s in Boulder, Colorado right this moment, thinking about how many women they’ve tricked into uncomfortable body torture. You’re all misogynist gender-traitors. You’re literally Judas. The Judases of Fitness. You betrayed Jesus for a shortcut to losing 30 pounds of fat. How do you fucking sleep at night?

You’re making other women uncomfortable too. Thin-privilege is very real. Making it seem like it’s okay to want to lose weight is direct fat-shaming, it makes fat women feel bad that you’re doing this and it’s all very problematic so you should stop. Just stop.

Gymming as a woman is not only a direct supplication to the Patriarchal overlords, it’s also an act of bowing down before its CWM (Cis White Male) Shitlord army. Dressed in gym attire, you’re literally,like, presenting yourself as a piece of Yoga-pants-wrapped meat, marinated in sweat and fitness dreams. The males will pretend they’re not gazing at your, in my case, firm and juicy 23 year-old booty, delightful derriere if you will. But they always are, unless, you’re like like 30 years old , have a fat ,lardy, cottage-cheese ass or a lazy eye or whatever. Most males will pretend to take gym-mirror selfies when they’re in fact taking pictures of you doing sexy, twerkalicious squats and saving it to something called “The Wank Bank”, which is, from what i understand, the Patriarchy’s social media platform of choice.

The Gym aka Shitlord Central, is an extremely unsafe space for women, (especially women of color and transwomyn). It’s like a monastery, but without the religion, the Latin scriptures and the chastity and shit.

At the gym you will even be prevented to access basic needs such as water (Dihydrogen Monoxide). Bending over to drink at the water fountain will spread the supple cheeks of your ample rear end and expose it to the preying, singlet wearing, brotein munching vultures flapping about like the crows in critically acclaimed Alfred Hitchcock “Bitchcock” movie “Birds” . Bringing a water bottle will not help as the apes around you will take it as an invitation to oral sex (because a water bottle looks like a big, ( and in many cases black) penis and water kinda looks like cum). Thus, going to gym will dehydrate you . Dehydration kills you. Ergo, going to the gym will kill you. Think about that for a second before you put your Yoga pants on.

Okay, I admit it, the gym is nothing like a monastery, that was a bad analogy, but I totally can’t be bothered to backspace and , like , change it. Stop shaming me for backpedaling you shitlord scum.

The fact remains however that the gym is a male space and male spaces are dangerous. The treadmill is the most dangerous and problematic machine in the torture chamber of the 21th century that is the gym. This is because males look at women running at treadmills and analyse their running style in order to maximize their efficiency and planning leading up to their next rape. When they’re looking at you running like a dainty gazelle, they’re literally thinking “Hmmm, her gait meanders a little to the left at times, this knowledge will be useful in the park at about 11:30pm when she is on her way stumbling home drunk, my next rape will be totally awesome!”.

How will you ever, after having suffered sexual assault, muster up the energy to fulfill your dreams of opening the cute little feminist café called “Problem Attic” downtown? That’s right. The gym kills dreams.

Some gym activities are a little more okay of course. Yoga classes are often a safe zone because most participants are women and the men there are mostly gays. This is even more true of Crossfit.

It is still true however that women going to the gym is one of the biggest causes of all that is wrong with the world today. If you’re a gym going woman, stop. If you know any women who go to the gym, show them what I have to say.

It’s like super hard to tell you all of this, but i’ll do it until it stops. Will you please stop? I’m Anne Gus.