Easy Steak Recipe For Real Men’s Magazine
1. Go to the butcher. Look him dead in the eye and say “Meat.” If he’s a man worth half his salt, he’ll know.
2. Take that meat.
3. Kick your door open with your head. Go find the fire-room (kitchen, to the feminized).
4. Toss part of meat in an old iron skillet your grandfather gave you the day you shot your first buck. A flat stone covered in noseblood works, too.
5. Rub it with some red spice, a little beige spice, some green fucking leaves, and whatever liquid’s got your goat. This ain’t math. It’s sex. You’re having sex with the meat.
6. Have sex with the meat.
7. Cook the ever loving Christ out of it. Cook it, good God, your father saved the life of every man in his unit when he was your age, cook the god danged meat or hang up your sack!!!
8. Take the other meat. Fashion a skinny tie out of it. Wear it to a state dinner. Drink single-malt whiskey, bed a senator’s wife, whisper to her about Spain. Leave at dawn.
9. In another pot, scream “I’LL HATE ME MORE THAN YOU EVER DID OLD MAN.” Cover and let sit for 15 minutes or until healed.
10. Turn heat to low, move off the grid. Squint into the night sky. Marry a pastor’s daughter with a lazy eye and no fingers. Love her tenderly for three years. Wake up, find her gone. Weep, man. Weep.
11. Record a critically-acclaimed rap album.
12. (sound of Apache helicopter exploding)
A | A | A
Yo, don’t judge me for getting my eyebrows waxed, you uncivilized sucker!
Your best friend is the person you can confess your deepest fear to as well as your second deepest fear: that the population at large will discover the thing you fear most is accidentally hitting ‘like’ when you are a year and a half deep into your crush’s Instagram.
In an idyllic world of complete emotion control, this might be sound advice. But truth be told, I’m still trying to find out how to do that. It doesn’t matter how often I tell myself nobody has the power to make me feel a certain way, except me.
And I got what I wanted — a dream arrangement that allowed me to live my life without compromises.