Thought Catalog
April 12, 2017

I Am Tired Of Being Someone’s Maybe

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What is the issue?
Tamara Bellis

I recall all the conversations that we had, when my world used to revolve around you. I remember how stupid I was to keep waiting for you to decide about who I was exactly in your life. I used to hold my breath whenever I said “I love you” to you, hoping each time that you would say I love you too — but you never did. And you made me feel like I should be grateful that at least you responded with a smile.

I occasionally checked on you to know if one day we could be more than friends, and your answer was always “maybe.” You were never sure about me, but you kept me around because it felt good for you to have a sense of security that someone loved you.

I was the one you considered as the person who would never go away, who would be there all the time, who would be on-the-go once you called. I was always around to help you when you were in trouble, even though I knew you wouldn’t care about me if I needed yours. I replied immediately when you dropped me a message, even though it took you hours to text me back.

I never gave up waiting for you to show up when you promised me you would make it on time. I never complained when you gave tons of excuses about why you canceled on me last minute.

I didn’t know what I ate to be that desperate for you. I didn’t understand then why I settled for someone who treated me less than my value, less than what I deserved. I couldn’t find reasons for why it took me so long to run after you, to beg for your affection, and to endure your uncertainties about me.

I was so willing to give you my all, when you couldn’t even share a half of yourself to me.

But remembering you have made me learn one thing: I am more than someone’s maybe.

I am tired of waiting for someone to decide how important I am in their lives. I am tired of being the default option. I am tired of not being the priority. I am tired of seeking for validation from someone I find endearing.

I know what I deserve after giving out so much of my effort, so much of my time, so much of my love. I know the kind of relationship that is worth pursuing, and worth abandoning. I know when my love is being taken for granted. I know how to walk away from someone who can’t give a definite answer other than maybe.

I don’t want to waste my love for undeserving ones. I don’t like to look at myself in the mirror and feel as if I’m a fool for falling in love with the wrong person. I am no longer interested to participate in someone’s waiting game. I am not up for some kind of one-sided love story anymore.

Because I care about being loved back. I care to know if I’m being appreciated. I need an affirmation that my love for someone will grow. I need to fall deeper into love without having a doubt, without having questions, without feeling unsure.

I deserve someone who’s not going to make me feel insecure about myself. Someone who’s not going to break the promises that they give me. I need a person who’s more than willing to say “I love you” to me and mean it. A person who speaks nothing but honesty.

I’ve lost so much of my time after I spent it with someone who couldn’t be sure about me. And I am done looking for love in the wrong places. I am done loving the wrong person.

Because I know, and I’m positive, that someone better is coming my way. Someone who’s going to offer me their whole love. TC mark