Thought Catalog
March 8, 2017

I’m Trying To Be Okay About The Fact That You’re Getting Married

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What is the issue?
Jason Blackeye

This is the moment that I’ve been dreading. The part when you’re going to tell me that you’re engaged. The part when my heart shatters into million pieces. The part when I’m unable to immediately fix myself and become whole again.

This is the part of our story that I ignored when I took a risk on you.

My world spun so fast and I suddenly felt out of breath, dizzy, and disoriented when you delivered to me the news that you were getting married. I thought that situation only happens in movie. Unfortunately, I had a taste of it in real life. I had a taste of sorrow that quickly blurred my eyes with tears, in just a second. And I didn’t like it.

I didn’t like to face the truth that I lost you. I didn’t like that my stomach felt unease, knowing that soon you’ll be tying the knot with someone else. Not me. I didn’t like that a part of me, which was hoping we’d be back together one day, died as you spoke. I didn’t like that my whole world crumbled down, and I instantly got scared.

I’m scared that I will never find someone like you again. I’m scared that I will be discouraged to love, even at this young age.

I’m scared that when I walk into a room of crowded people, I will still search for your face. I’m scared that it will take me forever to get over you.

Because you were one of the reasons why I was excited for my future. And even if we didn’t talk for months before, I knew you’d always be there. I knew that you would drop me a message whenever I crossed your mind. I knew we’d see each other once in a while. I knew you would fight for me no matter what.

But you didn’t choose me in the end.
And I am trying my best to be okay with it.

I am trying not to be clueless about my future. I am trying to find another option in my life without you in it. I am trying to stop crying, even though the tears feel inevitable. I am trying to accept that you’re no longer part of my life. I am trying to sleep, and live the next day as if nothing bothers me.

I am trying to breathe on my own.

They say if you love someone, let them go. So now I’m setting you free. I’m not going to chase and run behind you. I’m not going to ask you if it’s your decision to get married or someone else. I’m not going to hate you for giving me false hope.

Because hate will not undo what has already happened. Hate will not bring me back to you. Hate will only make me a bitter person. And I am more than that.

I am more than a person with grief and regrets.

I am meant for more love and happiness. I am meant for someone who’s more than you. I am meant for better days with sunshine and a sky full of stars. I am meant for a bigger, brighter future. I am meant for more smiles and laughter and incredible memories.

I am meant for something magical, even without you in my life. TC mark

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