Have you ever had one of those days where you wish you were one of the people who feels nothing? Act like you don’t care, like you don’t feel anything because it’s so damn hard to feel everything. Days that you feel too much emotion and you would give anything to feel the weight be lifted off your chest. The moments that you wish to feel numb – but then you realize that you are not sure if it would be the best thing for you.
What if you deal with things differently? What if you don’t dwell too much into people? What if you become emotionless? What if you don’t express how you feel and let people think of whatever they want to think? What if you become too tired to re-assure people of what you feel? Would they be sad? Would they feel lonely if they have too much to say but then they cannot get any reaction from you? And you’re just there, not bothered at all to express the thoughts inside you.
What’s that like? Would they be patient enough to dig into your experiences? To know that love does that – it changes you. To know that you are just scared that if you let yourself feel again, the world might come crashing down and you don’t know if you can survive that.
My friend once told me, sometimes it’s better to care less so, you will not feel too much pain. You will not be devastated if things don’t work out the way you want it to. When you give less, you lose not as much. You have control, you don’t have to beg someone to stay. It’s easier to leave, because you don’t depend on your partner too much that you will breakdown when the relationship ends. You will not be spending so much time trying to get someone to love you back because you just don’t care anymore. You will not reach the point of wishing for your tears to stop falling because you have been cut in the deepest part that no one can understand except for you. The one that loves less won’t feel hurt that much.
At that time, I didn’t understand her reasoning because I am a person that feels too much. I know that my capacity to love more will always outweigh the easiness of loving less. I find it hard to understand people who don’t feel as strongly about things as I do – but I still do envy them every once in a while.
At the end of the day feelings are feelings and it never feels good when someone gets hurt whether you love someone less than they love you, or you are head over heels in love with someone, unaware that their love is not on the same wave length as yours.