November 18, 2016

You Are A Mistake From My Past, And I Am Stronger Because Of It

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Maybe it was your style or the way you talked that captured my attention. Maybe it was how both corners of your lips turned upward whenever you saw me, or how you used your beautiful brown eyes to tease me, since you knew they were my weakness. There was always something to look forward to when we had our time together, but as time passed, while I was looking for my favorite pair of eyes that would always look into mine, they were already looking at other girls.

You always reminded me how lucky I was to have someone like you, because there were apparently so many others who were just dying to be in my place. Saying that you loved ‘only me’ was the bullshit I held onto to convince myself that you really did.

We talked all night, all day, in between breaks, while studying, and while on trips. You didn’t want to hang up because you said you’d miss seeing my face for the next few hours, only to ring at 9 in the morning after ending the call at 4. You’d always text me good morning and good night messages, and I’d pray that they were only for me.

I didn’t lie when I first said I loved you; I didn’t lie when I said I’d always be ready when you needed me; I didn’t lie when I said you were the only one.

But I also didn’t lie when I said I hated you.

Looking back 11 months after, I was helplessly willing to fall for anyone who took interest. Don’t get me wrong, my feelings for you were real, but I realize now how desperate I was that I accepted the way you treated me as ‘love.’

I don’t hate you. I hate what you thought you had to do to make yourself feel confident and secure with girls wanting you. Despite me having to learn it the hard way, I am where I am now because you were a part of my past, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. So, thank you for being a part of my past. I now know my self-worth. You might not have given me the closure I deserved, but you gave me the growth I needed. TC mark

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