I Remember More Than You Will Ever Know

By Andrew Calver

I remember seeing you for the first time
I remember you walking into the room
I remember the song playing on my iPod
I remember the way your hat was pulled low over your face
I’ve never understood why you’d wear it like that

I remember our first conversation
I remember the way you first looked at me differently
I remember when I first shared something true and profound
And I remember how you looked straight into me
I remember how vulnerable I was in that moment
I’ve always wondered what you saw.

I remember riding on a dark bus with you after a party
I remember being a little drunk
I remember you being distracted
I remember knowing something was different
I finally convinced you to tell me
And I remember that it came bursting out of you
You had it locked and loaded

I remember you didn’t notice that I know what to say
I remember exactly how to compose my face
I remember exactly what to do
I remember your middle name
And what you wanted to be when you grew up
I remember knowing from your diagnosis that your chances were good
But you don’t know that
I remember exactly what comes next

I remember the last time you told me that you couldn’t do this
I remember you pushing me away
And I remember leaving
I remember sitting in my car on the side of the freeway
I remember crying for the first time
Since I had my heart broken for the first time
I remember calling my mom and hanging up
I remember being lost and hopeless and broken again
I held my head in my hands
I remember sobbing for the last time

I remember seeing you for the first time
A few months later
I remember you walking into the room
I remember you had a new boy on your arm
And I remember feeling nothing
I remember you saying you miss me
I remember you draping your arms around my neck
I remember the way you used to do that
And I remember almost laughing

I remember the boy you’re looking for
I remember the look you’re looking for
I remember last seeing him on the side of the freeway
I remember burying him

This is the first time you and I have met.