The Question You Need To Ask Yourself When You Feel Stuck In Your Relationship
By Amy Segreti
In a relationship, if we find we’re needing the same thing again and again from our partner and feeling frustrated that we’re not getting it, it’s often a signal that we need to give that thing (acceptance, acknowledgement, trust) to ourselves.
The question we need to be asking is this:
What am I asking (or demanding) from others that I’m not giving to myself?
For example:
You worry your partner isn’t being honest with you. You’re feeling suspicious, ungrounded. You want to be able to trust them, and you want them to stand in their integrity.
Ask yourself if you are standing in your own integrity, if you’re being completely honest and showing up authentically. Have you been feeling expansive and secure in your own individual growth… or have you been feeling contracted, stagnant in your creativity, untrusting of your own ability be successful?
You’ll likely feel an immediate hit in your chest or stomach if this rings true for you: whether it’s an “aha” opening, or a tightening in defense to it. Pay attention to either reaction — they merit soft investigation.
Maybe you’ve been demanding acknowledgement. Or appreciation, or recognition. Maybe you (read: your ego) are upset because someone hasn’t said “thank you” for something.
Flip things over: Have you given yourself appreciation recently? Have you taken the time to feel gratitude for your own accomplishments? If you’ve been feeling unaccepted or not heard… have you also not been feeling confident in your own decisions, or worried that what you have to say has little value?
We need to give ourselves acceptance first before we can expect it from others. Even if they try to give it to us — we may not even be able to receive it.
Maybe you’ve gone even further and noticed that in your past relationships, there has been a similar theme, and you already know that it means there’s something in you attracting this. But you see the threads of it starting to form again in your current relationship, and you want to stop it.
Ask yourself this question first — What am I wanting from my boyfriend/girlfriend that I’m not giving to myself? — before blaming your partner.
When we give to ourselves, when we choose to value our time, our energy, our success — others can see and feel that. And they will reflect that back to us.
And yes, it could be true that your partner is lying to you. But you need to start with you first. Focus on what you can shift, on what is yours to examine and change first.
Everything you are receiving is what you are committed to getting, so begin with your own commitments to yourself.
You are the person who decides what you are worthy of.