It Would Be Super Awesome If (Some) Men Would Stop Being Giant Pussies
I probably should have taken a quaalude before I started writing this, because it’s a topic that fires my ass up. After seeing a few girlfriends of mine get unceremoniously given their walking papers by a boyfriend — who cites the reason of “just not being in love” anymore — and having dealt with similar situations myself, I want to let you guys in on a little secret: being in love does not equal shooting stars out of your ass day in, day out, every time you come in contact with your girlfriend. You don’t have to be continuously exploding with passion in her wake. So many of you seem to be so obsessed with what you might possibly be missing that you fail to appreciate what you have right in front of your eyes.
There are about a zillion people (scientific number) in the world, so, statistically, there is a better match for you out there somewhere. Maybe she’s in New Zealand rolling around with polar bears or something? There are polar bears in New Zealand, right? Yeah, I guess not. My point is, you never are going to be 100% sure if this girl is THE ONE for you. But that’s just life. There’s no light that parts the skies and shines a halo over her dome in the middle of a field of hearts and moonbeams, leaving you with virtually no doubt that she was bestowed upon this earth for the sole purpose of coexisting with you and your bullshit. Hey — newsflash! There’s probably a better match for her out there too. Does that mean you never slow down and put in the work with someone you get along with and DO love, because hey, there just might be some girl out there that hey, just might be better for you? If you operate in that mindset, you’re literally never going to be satisfied. “I love you but I’m not in love with you” has got the be the most overworked, overplayed excuse, second only to “it’s not you, it’s me.”
I can’t keep a straight face long enough to say that I know what a healthy, loving relationship is all about, but I can tell you that my experience living as a human being participating in various forms of relationships/friendships/whateverships has equipped me with the knowledge that it’s damn near impossible to sustain the feelings of being passionately, overwhelming obsessed with a person all the time, forever. You’re not always going to feel “in love” with someone. You may have some days where you wish she’d get attacked by a chupacabra, other days where you wouldn’t mind seeing her but also wouldn’t mind if she just went and fucked herself somewhere, and still other days where you can’t wait to throw her up against the wall and dick her down something serious. That’s life, dude. You can’t always operate at emotional extremes with someone. It’s not realistic. It’s hard to put feelings into words, but that extreme emotion you’re seeking out is something like lust. The honeymoon phase doesn’t last a lifetime for anybody.
Am I saying settle for someone who you don’t feel sure about just because she’s alright? Not at all. If you spend most of your time not giving a shit about her, you’re wasting your time as well as hers. Get outta there, bro.
You’re also not a good candidate for the role of boyfriend if you have an uncontrollable urge to stick your dirty peen into as many vaginas that will have you, regardless of how wonderful your girlfriend is. If you’re simply not ready, even the most perfect specimen of ladyhood isn’t going to evaporate your need to get out there and be the best little manho you can be. Do women in general a favor and don’t try to settle down when you know it’s beyond you. If you’ve already fucked half the universe and you’re still aching to do some more, then maybe you’re never going to be ready. Maybe you’re meant to acquire nothing but notches on a bedpost and herpes. Don’t string some poor girl along if you know you’re not stronger than your urges.
But if you love her, if she overall makes you happy, if you have similar values, morals, goals, fetishes, etc., then maybe you should stop looking over her shoulder to see who’s behind her and focus on how fucking lucky you are that she likes your sloppy ass. Inject some life into relationship, try new things, blah blah blah, do all that and try drinking a big ol’ swig from a steaming hot cup of FUCKING RELAX ALREADY. I’m not saying anyone should ever feel like they’re “settling” for someone. I’m saying maybe you need to rework your definition of in love-dom. Take a step back and think about what you’re doing before you yank the rug out from under the girl who was crazy enough to fall in love with you. I mean, look at you… you’re gross.
I’m a lot of fun to date.
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I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”
To begin, I got totally screwed over in the dental genes department. I was born with a pretty severe overbite and a mouth that was too small.