I know things haven’t been as good as they’ve been, I know we’ve been struggling a little bit. And when you told me the other night in the midst of an emotional conversation that if we ended things you would be “just fine”, I had to stop and wonder if I just heard you correctly. I cried.
What a slap in the face for you to tell me you would be just fine without me. Do I mean nothing? Would you even care? Would you even be hurt? I would be a wreck if things were over. I would be sad and do reckless things and I would wake up every morning with a weight on my shoulders, not ready to face the day. I would spend my energy actively trying to forget you and everything related to you.
I spent days being upset over the thought of this and having a pity party for myself. But then I realized something.
I would be just fine too.
I was fine before you, and I would be fine after you. Do I want you? Yes of course, more than anyone or anything. But do I need you? Absolutely not. Somewhere along the way I forgot that my happiness does not depend on whether or not I have you in my life. I got caught up wallowing over the sadness and emptiness I would feel if things were over. What would I do? Who would love me? I know I would feel those things, but those things would fade just like they have every other time one of my relationships has ended. I would move on. I remember all the other times I felt that I would never get over somebody.
But I did! And I would find someone new, someone perhaps better, and wonder why I ever felt so sad over that person. I’m not saying that’s going to be the case for you, it might not be. You might be the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but who knows? I love you and want nothing more than to be with you at this moment. You’re my best friend and you add value to my life. We have fun together and enjoy each other’s company (most of the time).
But ultimately, I should not feel pressured to have to prove myself worthy to you. Of course I try my very best to make you happy and be there for you whenever and however I can. But I do not need to convince you that I am the best choice, because you should know that on your own. And if you can’t see that, then so be it. That’s fine. I don’t need a half ass attempt, I deserve 100%. And I certainly don’t need someone who will constantly be looking over my shoulder at all the other options, looking for the next best thing. I am the best thing.
I didn’t sign up for a competition, and I definitely don’t need to be competing for your attention. Fuck that game. I am a catch. I am pretty, fun, smart and can have a great conversation. I like to travel and drink red wine, listen to good music, and cook delicious food. I will be more than enough for somebody. Scratch that- I AM more than enough for somebody, and if not for somebody, then for MYSELF. I don’t need you.
So whatever happens, happens. If you want to be a part of my life then great, let’s do this together. I’ll have your back and you’ll have mine. I’ll be there for you always. I’ll give you my all and I’ll expect the same of you. But if not, then that’s fine too. Because I’ll be just fine.