November 28, 2016

I Used To Think My Love Could Save You

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Elizabeth Tsung
Elizabeth Tsung

I used to think my love could save you. That it could show you that there’s more to life than what you were shown before. That it could teach you how to get what you give. That someone could love you for who you are, rather than what you could give them.

I thought that if I gave you my all, that it would fill up those empty spaces that I know still lie inside you.

I thought that if I showed you my heart, it would make you forget all the disappointments you and I both know you had to face. I hoped that my touch would turn your wounds into scars and my hands would make their mark on yours. That my presence would make a difference in your life. That you didn’t have to walk alone this time.

I wanted to show you what a life this could be, what a promise could mean.

That you would see me as special, that you would miss me when I was gone. I used to think that my love would be a love you don’t recover from, a love you don’t leave, and love you can’t replace.

But my love didn’t save you, because it couldn’t.

Because you’re going to have to be the one who pulls your own heart out of the war zones you find it so stuck in. You’re the one that is going to have to decide that love outweighs the risk of getting hurt.

I don’t want to live in a world where you don’t make it. I don’t want to live in a world where the person I once saw my whole future in can’t even look himself in the mirror. And I want you to know that in my silent prayer, I still wish you the best every night. I know that things aren’t always easy and the world hasn’t kissed your wounds the way you needed it to.

And I hope that you are courageous enough to let yourself heal, because you deserve it. I know you don’t think so. I hope that you learn to stop fighting the things that are real in your life, even when they scare you. I hope you decide to not stay stuck in a relationship where you’re not in love, because you’re unsure of how to fight for what you really want. And I know you still beat yourself up for the mistakes, the choices you made that you now regret, and for allowing people who used to mean everything to you walk out of your life. But someday I hope you’re brave enough to forgive yourself anyway.

You’ve hurt people you’ve loved and I know that nobody is angrier about that than you. But eventually, you need to stop being so angry at yourself. One day, you’re going to have to stop wishing you could take things back. Because I want you to stop running and look into everything you are.

I did once. I learned that you were so much more than the surface. I learned that you were strong, and your heart was even stronger. That you were kind and caring. That you were born more of a fighter than I ever could be.

I learned that I loved you. And I believed in you, I always will.

And my only hope is that you see all of those things too someday, that you will believe in you too. Because we all have one choice: we can choose ourselves or we can choose to run from ourselves. But it’s up to you, and you have to choose.

And at the end of the day, we all just want someone that chooses us, over everyone else, under every circumstance. And I would’ve chose you, every time, and I hope you decide to choose you too. TC mark

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