Thought Catalog
June 10, 2014

How To Date A Scorpio

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Scorpios, born between October 23 and November 21, are known as the hypersexual, super passionate, all-around difficult sign of the Zodiac. And as a Scorpio, I feel no personal shame or guilt in admitting this. I’ve learned that dating a Scorpio is not like dating a normal person (and as a Scorpio, I of course feel like I’m special). Here are some tips on how to date a Scorpio.

First, let’s talk about what not to do. I read on SexualAstrology.com (yes), “To attract the Scorpio, wear black leather and be slightly fiery. But, still treat them with respect. Don’t kiss them on the first date. Display some competitiveness.” — This is terrible advice. Not that I have anything against black leather; I own 2 black leather jackets, and many leather-bound books (no). But I don’t know where they’re getting the idea that dressing like Fonzie is going to start our engines. Also, the last thing you want to do with a Scorpio is be competitive, unless you really like being talked over. Tell a Scorpio an anecdote about how you saw a celebrity at the beach and the Scorpio is likely to top your story with the time they went to karaoke with Bill Murray who told them the secret to life. And they’ll jump in with that story the moment you take a breath.

But yes, you should be “slightly fiery” – Scorpios have lots of fire in them, even though they’re a water sign. A Scorpio’s perfect date is like a fast-talking 1940’s film, with the two leads exchanging rapid-fire quips and scintillating banter. Your best bet is to make the Scorpio laugh, and to compliment them excessively. In this way, Scorpios are like Leos – we love to be complimented, though unlike the Leo, we’ll pretend that we don’t. “Oh hush,” we’ll say, as we make a mental note of the great things you just said about us to repeat into the mirror later when we’re feeling down, and we will be feeling down, and it will probably be over something insignificant, like running out of Keurig coffee pods.

You just try to deprive a Scorpio of a kiss on the first date and see what happens. We’ll feel rejected, pissed off, and wonder what is so wrong with us. We will hold it against you forever. When Scorpios hold a grudge, we hold it well, like we’re holding an angry Rottweiler on a leash inches away from tearing apart a hamburger. We’re that good. Of course, this is assuming the date is going well. Don’t just force a kiss on a Scorpio (or, uh, anyone). If the date is going really well, there’s no reason why it shouldn’t end with a kiss. If they’re a Scorpio, they’re probably gonna have sex with you anyway, and probably on the first date, and if it’s going really well, they’ll just take you into the bathroom. It’s why I’m not allowed in Brooklyn anymore.

But in order to get there, you’ve got to give them the mental gymnastics they crave. Don’t drive them too crazy, and be gentle with your jabs – Scorpios are really good at getting their feelings hurt over absolutely anything and everything. Call a young Scorpio woman “ma’am” and watch her cry. As tough and sarcastic as we seem, we’re pretty soft inside. Gentle teasing is fine; saying, “Your face looks like a raw ham,” is not.

And God help you if we have a great time and you don’t ever text us again.

I hope these tips will help you with your Scorpio date. As for where to take a Scorpio for a date? Try some place with booze and dark lighting. Yeah, that’s pretty much all we need. Oh, and make sure it’s quiet enough for us to talk, because we’re going to talk. A lot.

Leave the leather pants at home. TC mark