Thought Catalog
July 1, 2013

Don Draper Pitching 3 Modern Products

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What is the issue?

Axe Body Spray

He just got off his shift at the bar with the bowling alley in Brooklyn. Not that one — the other one. He works at the better one, the one with a wider variety of beers, the kinds of beers that contain more fruit extracts than fruit salads. He doesn’t like those beers. He likes a beer he can grip, a beer with a familiar sting after that first hearty sip. Our guy is ready to go home. He’s hot. Physically, sweaty, hot. He’s been getting compliments on his 1985 Phil Collins “No Jacket Required” Tour concert tee all evening. Helps with tips. Sweat encircles his armpits, like a dark merry-go-round. The kind in the carnival on the “bad” side of town. This man is a bad carnival…and women love thrill rides. So even though he reeks of sweat, and fruity beer, and his breath smells from having a dry mouth all night, he still finds himself having to practically pry young women off of his body. The kinds of women who model on the side, same way they take their salad dressing. They don’t know what it is; they can’t let him go. They want to hold onto him, ride his ferries wheel, and later grip his bicep when the haunted house gets too intense, too foreboding. And why? Why do they want to press their young, clean bodies against this sweaty, broke bartender?

DON’T AXE.
YOU ALREADY KNOW.
AXE BODY SPRAY.

Android

Your customer thinks different, indeed. Which means, they don’t want what everyone else has. They don’t “Think Different.” They think differently. Everyone and their mother has what your competition is throwing at their faces. Where once your competitor was fearful of an Orwellian future of greys and muted tones and soldiers — hoping for that one runner to burst through with a hammer — they’re now the watchful ones. They went too far. And now, they are the big brothers. But you…you’re at the starting line. You’re the ones with the hammer. Everyone wants what everyone else has until they don’t. It’s time for you to break through.

ANDROID
BECAUSE IT’S TIME TO THINK DIFFERENTLY

Beats By Dre

We live in a society where it’s acceptable to walk down the street with earbuds firmly in our ears, the international symbol for: leave me alone. Leave. Me. Alone. But surely, there’s more than that. There’s the music. There’s the music that pours into us, from our ears, to our brains, to our souls. We walk with this music coursing through our veins. The music is our mode of transportation. You can’t get that feeling with a pair of plastic white buds. With those, you’re only wearing them to tell people to leave you alone. You’re not wearing them to experience anything or to show what the music — your music — means to you. But when you wear Beats By Dre, you’re not saying, “leave me alone.” You’re saying, “I’m leaving my cares behind.” Because these aren’t cheap white ear buds that can tangle and crack – these are no mere afterthought. These are no insult to quality sound and music. These headphones are statements. These headphones are like a secret handshake. You see someone wearing Beats By Dre, and you think — we are together in this. I may never see you again, but I know that wherever you’re going, you’re already having a great time, and you earned it. And that has nothing to do with the fact that I was raised in a whorehouse.

BEATS BY DRE
BECAUSE YOU WEREN’T RAISED IN A WHOREHOUSE TC mark

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image – Mad Men