How To Marry Paul McCartney
By Almie Rose
Paul McCartney is my favorite Beatle and one of my favorite musicians to ever exist. This is a guide on how to marry him. This is not a guide on how to argue with me about why John or George is a better Beatle.
Step one. Wait until he’s vulnerable. This will take about 3 – 5 years. After that, he will most likely be divorced. After that, you have a three-month window to pounce.
Step two. Attend one of his bullshit PETA charity functions. Paul has not yet realized that PETA is really, really stupid. Give him time. Until then, you will have to pretend that PETA is a legit and excellent charity. Do not approach him right away.
Step three. Repeat after me: “I love your vegan sneakers!” There is a 99% chance that Paul McCartney is wearing vegan sneakers at any point in time.
Step four. Pretend that you don’t know who he is. Not at first. Compliment him as though he was a normal person. Then comes the delicate act of having the fake moment of realization. When you first compliment his shoes, do not look directly into his face. Only after he responds with a jolly McCartney response do you look into his face. Then you must express a very, very slight glimmer of recognition. But you do not say anything. This is to humor him. This is what needs to be done, for ceremony.
Step five. I forgot to mention that you need to be a model or a fairly attractive thin woman. You also need to be over 40. Maybe you can get away with 35. If you are below 35, you need to be the reincarnation of Linda McCartney, or this isn’t going to happen. This is Paul McCartney here, not Hugh Hefner. Have some decorum.
Step six. Make him laugh. Paul McCartney appreciates a good joke. Do not make a Beatles reference, because he has heard every possible Beatles reference out there. If you’re going to make a Beatles joke or reference, it has to be so funny that he laughs so hard he vomits. Most musicians really don’t like it when you tease them with their song lyrics, even though you’re being playful.
Step seven. Repeat after me: “You’re so funny on Saturday Night Live! You need to do more comedy!” Sound spontaneous when you say this. Gauge his reaction. Depending on how the Saturday Night Live comment goes over, you may be able to add, “Oh my God, and the Red Nose/Comedy Relief video thing you did — effin’ brilliant.” You must say it as though this just occurred to you as you’re staring into his dreamy Beatle eyes. Paul McCartney loves to be on Saturday Night Live and he loves to be funny, so this is a great thing to say to him.
Step eight. Do not fawn or dote upon him. Flirt, gently poke fun at him, then touch his shoulder as you say, “Excuse me, I’ve got to say hello to some people, we’ll catch up later.” When you catch up later, make it seem as though it was his idea, even if you’re the one who approaches him. Then while you’re being charming, just as he’s very interested, leave. If it’s natural, work in some way to casually give him your contact information, if he does not. Do not be drunk.
Step nine. Maintain breeziness throughout your courtship. Don’t be too distant. Do not always be available. But support him when he tours. Make sure you know that you really, really like his solo stuff. Have fun. You are unfortunately going to have to become a vegan. Cook vegan meals for him every now and then. Be an interesting person. Get along with his children. Do not ever speak to his ex-wife, unless absolutely necessary. Do not ever badmouth her to the press. Be careful whom you trust. Live and let die.
Step ten. Do not pull a “Heather Mills.” This could refer to a lot of things. 1. Do not pretend that you don’t know any Beatles songs. That’s just stupid. 2. Be respectful. 3. Do not be the worst woman ever. 4. Do not accuse him of beating you. That’s not even the right Beatle. 5. Do not try to take all of his money.
Cheers, and best of luck.