Thought Catalog
August 14, 2013

You’ve Got To Try The Master Urine Cleanse

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We’ve all heard of juice cleanses, and we’ve all heard the same complaints: they are expensive, and most importantly they’re full of sugar. Gross! But even I was a little skeptical when my friend told me about the urine cleanse. It sounded extreme, even to me! But after reading about it in Fit for Life, Skinny Bitch, and Crazy Sexy Diet (to name a few), I thought it sounded too good to be true.

The urine cleanse is based on that guy in Life of Pi, and it’s definitely not about losing weight quickly–it’s about getting in touch with your body and what you’re eating in a spiritual way. If you lose weight, that’s great, but really it’s about having a life and an adventure like in that movie.

The urine cleanse is pretty straightforward. You can only drink your own urine and a little bit of water. It sounds scary, but like anything else it just took some getting used to!!!!!!!

Pre-Cleanse

It’s pretty straightforward prep: I ate a lot beforehand, but I made sure to stay away from things like asparagus, brussels sprouts, and beets. The last thing I would want when I sustained myself on my own urine for four days would be to have it smell bad or look slightly pink!

Day 1

I went to bed nervous, but when I woke up on the first day I was surprisingly energized. Time to chug down my first glass of pee!!

On one of the blogs I read about the urine cleanse (urineluck.blogspot.com, super helpful!), they suggested serving it, “fresh out of the pot,” (warm) and, “on the rocks,” (iced, duh! So cute). It was kind of a brisk morning, so I opted for fresh out of the pot, except of course that the pot was me!

The first sip was the hardest–and it honestly wasn’t bad! Salty and a little sour. I just pretended it was like a glass of warm sake that I had poured out through my urethra!

That day at lunch, I mixed it with some sparkling water (recommended when you start out to get your body used to drinking your own waste) and at night I had it on the rocks…. shaken not stirred (James Bond, so fun!)!!!

Day 2

I woke up feeling amazing. I could see better, my hair was shinier, my face was brighter, my lips were more red, my teeth were whiter, and my arm hair was less visible! I chugged my morning glass of iced urine and felt even more revitalized.

Lunch was the same, and I felt more focused at work. I think my coworkers were even put off by my positive demeanor, and by the fact that I called all of my bathroom breaks “snack breaks” while winking at them a lot. What can I say, I like to joke around at work!

By that evening I was actually looking forward to going home, relaxing with a hot mug of urine, and watching my favorite episode of Royal Pains on DVR.

Day 3

Now that it was becoming more routine, I noticed changes in behavior. For one thing, I had so much more time! I never had to worry about taking time to make something to eat, because I was making it! I was basically fueling myself. Is this how a bee feels?

Now I’m not a political person, but I had basically solved the answer to the question “where is your next meal coming from?” For me, the answer was now always the same–my bladder! It seems to me like this cleanse actually has some pretty powerful implications to help poor people who might not know that they can just drink their own pee (and enjoy it!)

Day 4

I woke up and tried to pee, but nothing came out. I started to feel a little frightened. Suddenly I felt like my body did not belong to me, but to a cold and indifferent universe that pulsed time and death through my veins. My bladder felt like it had been replaced by an angry spinning troll, I walked outside and all the colors were bright, so so bright, but if I closed my eyes they just got so much worse, and suddenly I opened my eyes and I was surrounded by little bees that were trying to tell me where to go and all my friends were made of bees and lizards made of skin and I couldn’t remember why I started this diet or who told me it was okay or why we even talked at all or what money was and my mind kept expanding until I realized that we were all just tiny little atoms in a universe that didn’t care about love or wonder and only existed to cast us aside in a cold indifference.

Conclusion

I would totally do this diet again! Sure, I ended up being hospitalized and I lost part of my stomach lining, but I think that it was a really great experience. Now when I eat food I feel like I can taste more and am more conscious about what I put into my body. And I certainly look at the bathroom in a different way! I also lost 5 pounds, plus an extra 3 from being in the hospital for four days! Not that I did this to lose weight!!!! In the end, the most important thing is that I feel healthier. TC mark

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