What An Honest Job Interview Would Sound Like
Tell me about your educational background.
I recently earned my 4-year-degree at a liberal arts school where I learned how to memorize the prices of essentially every brand and configuration of beer with tax included, how to write convincing essays about books I didn’t actually read, and how to design a class schedule that wouldn’t require me to function before 12:50pm for the entirety of my collegiate career. I am hoping that this job and its related responsibilities (of which I am uncertain) will help prepare me for my chosen career path (of which I am also woefully uncertain.)
How did you hear about this position, and what do you hope to get out of it?
My mom sent a link to your post on Craigslist at the bottom of an e-mail that implored me to become more like my cousin Marie, a smug 23-year-old who constantly brings up how she earns 70K with benefits, even when it is only tangentially related to the conversation. All told, I would rather die than become like Marie. This job would allow me to continue living, given that it pays next to nothing.
What about this position interests you?
I have $26.73 in my checking account, and if I don’t get Radiohead tickets I will die.
Tell me about your previous job experience.
Since the age of 16 I have held various low-paying and ephemeral positions that taught me widely applicable skills ranging from the art of portioning out 2.3 ounces of meat on a sandwich to feigning productivity as I blithely stare at various social media Web sites for hours on end.
Have you ever been fired or terminated from a previous position?
That’s what I meant when I used the word “ephemeral.” I take it you had the foresight to major in something more useful than English, which is why you are in charge, and I am attempting to sell my soul for Radiohead tickets.
If I were to ask your friends about you, what would they say?
It depends which friends you’re talking about here. If you’re going all the way back to high school, my friends would tell you that I am the biggest New Found Glory fan in the world, that I enjoy Arby’s, and that I take thorough notes in AP European History. If you’re going to ask my friends from college, they would probably say that when I drink too much I frequently get into arguments with people who don’t like the same music as I do and that I once burned a ouija board out of superstition and blind fear. If you’re going to ask Steve, specifically — Actually, don’t ask Steve.
What do you think is your biggest flaw?
I always get the feeling this is a trick question. My biggest flaw is probably that I’m an incompetent mess who lives in a perpetual state of self-doubt, forever questioning my ability to acclimate myself into society as a functioning, productive adult, something I repeatedly justify by asking aloud whether or not I even want to submit to the cultural hegemony that has prevented my parents from becoming satisfied and self-actualized human beings. What I assume you want me to say, though, is something that sounds self-effacing on the surface but is actually a comment designed to affirm that I am a viable candidate for said position who is willing to abandon all independent thought to become a willing pawn in perpetuating the success of the corporation you hold allegiance to. Unless of course you know that I know this and are basing your hiring decision on whether or not I answer with utmost honesty rather than complying with what society deems “interview protocol.” Since I have no way of ascertaining your motives, I will go with “I am a perfectionist.”
Why should I hire you?
Honestly, you shouldn’t.
Do you have any questions for me?
My mom told me to wear this, but I think it looks stupid and contrived. What do you think?
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To begin, I got totally screwed over in the dental genes department. I was born with a pretty severe overbite and a mouth that was too small.
If this doesn’t become the biggest video on the Internet, then I have no faith left in humanity.
Describe for us the threesome with your OKCupid hookup.
I visited synagogues all over the world—from Syosset, to Beverly Hills, and back again to Jericho. Studies were made, tests were run, I tasted the blood of a virgin Jew and even conducted my very own bris.