My Letter To Cosmopolitan Magazine
I recently purchased a copy of Cosmopolitan Magazine. Normally I don’t buy Cosmo, but the May 2012 edition was “The Sex Issue” (really straying from the norm) and I thought it would help spice things up with my longtime boyfriend.
To no surprise, I was disgusted and offended by their sex tips. Particularly this one:
Try placing a donut on your man’s shaft. Then go down on him while slowly devouring the tasty treat.
I was so upset after reading this that I wrote a letter to the editor… AND THEY RESPONDED!!!
First, my letter:
I was very disappointed in the May 2012 “Sex Issue” of your magazine. I felt that your sex tips were exclusionary to people like me and my boyfriend. People with food allergies.
The tip I found most upsetting was “Try placing a donut on your man’s shaft. Then go down on him while slowly devouring the tasty treat.” You see, Cosmo, I have Celiac’s Disease, which means I can’t eat wheat flour, the #1 ingredient in donuts. It’s tragic to think of all the ways this negatively impacts my sex life. Not only will I never be able to eat a donut off my man’s member, but bagels are out too. Same goes for pretzels or hot dog buns. What about cheerios, you ask? No way, I’m allergic.
It gets worse. My man is lactose intolerant. That means we also can’t follow your advice about covering my breasts in whipped cream and rubbing them on his face. Please help those of us with food allergies. You’ve ignored our needs long enough.
Gluten Free Girl & Lactose Intolerant Lad
Now, Cosmo’s response:
Dear Gluten Free Girl and Lactose Intolerant Lad,
We apologize that you felt marginalized by the sex-tips included in our May 2012 issue. To amend for our oversight we offer some alternatives below:
1) Try covering your body in his favorite Dairy-Free, Gluten-Free food and wait for him naked in your bed. Turn your bed of love into a bed of lettuce or a bed of potatoes.
2) Try wrapping cold cuts on his johnson. Then, turn up the heat by going down on him. Tear the meat off his member while also satiating his sausage.
Well, this was clearly an outrage. So I wrote a final letter:
Thanks for your timely response. Unfortunately, it didn’t help at all. That’s right, I’m a vegetarian. I won’t be turning my boyfriend’s sausage into a meat-stick anytime soon. Thanks for trying, I guess.
?Gluten Free Girl
PS: Your magazine is really heteronormative.
I’m still waiting to hear back.
A | A | A
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”
To begin, I got totally screwed over in the dental genes department. I was born with a pretty severe overbite and a mouth that was too small.