She watched you leave. She watched you pack your things and go. She had to get through some shit without you. So, you can’t come back. You can’t come back when she’s finally gotten it back together. She doesn’t need you to tell her you fucked up because she knows.
The problem is that she has had it rough since you left.
First, she drank too much. It was one shot after the other. It was letting someone grind on her at the club. It was drinking to forget that you ever existed and to forget the pain you caused. She let one shot burn down her throat then chased that with whatever double that guy at the bar bought her. She had to drink you away because the hurt was so excruciating and so real.
Second, she cried. She filled up the bathtub and let her head sink under the water which kind of reminded her what it felt like to drown in you. She cried harder while struggling to breathe underneath the ripples she was creating from sobbing. When she finally couldn’t take it anymore, she broke to the surface gasping for air. She realized that gasping for air was a lot like what it was like trying to hold onto you. Difficult and tiring.
Third, she got angry. Like scary angry. She remembered every little thing you promised and every way that you let her down. You never followed through. You never showed up. You were never there. And then you couldn’t even convince her to stay when she wanted to break this off. You shrugged your shoulders. Wished her well. And let her go. It was so quick that she wondered if she ever meant anything to you at all.
Fourth, she wondered if she had made a mistake. Was it a mistake that she had told you she was unhappy? Was it a mistake that she had to put aside all of her hopes and dreams to make sure that you were achieving yours? It wasn’t. While logically she knows that feeling half alive wasn’t enough for her anymore, emotionally she misses watching you make her coffee in the morning. She misses feeling your warm body beside her in bed. She misses the way you’d laugh at something so stupid and then in turn make her laugh. She wonders if loving you and letting you go was a mistake.
Fifth, she felt unlovable. She felt as though she had given you everything and it still wasn’t enough. If it wasn’t enough for you, will it ever be enough for someone else? Or maybe she will be destined to meet someone else and repeat this pattern. A pattern that hurts her soul more than words can describe. The pain is crushing her and it feels like her world is slowly caving in. She can’t remember the last time she felt like she wasn’t deserving of love but you made her feel like she wasn’t worth it.
Sixth, she discovered her strength. Through all the darkness. Through all the pain. Through all the tormented thoughts. She woke up one day and remembered who she was. She remembered everything she had gotten through without you. She remembers that her legs have carried weight heavier than this and she had managed to get through it. She knows her heart will probably never be the same but she knew falling for you would be a risk. A risk she was willing to take. No matter what the outcome.
So, don’t come back. Not after everything you’ve put her through. She’s found her inner strength and she doesn’t need you to make her question that again.
Don’t tell her you miss her. Don’t tell her you love her. Just walk away like you did in the beginning without as much as looking behind you.
She deserves better and you know that too.