The girl who craves honesty lied. The girl who prides herself on always telling the truth lied. The worst part is that I lied to myself and then I lied to you.
I don’t want to be just friends. I don’t want that at all.
So when the words came out of my mouth, I desperately wanted to take it back. You’re not just the number I call when I’m lonely, you’re the only person I feel I can be myself with.
To be honest, I’m scared. I’m so freaked out that you’re going to find some flaw in my personality or in my looks and just decide this isn’t for you. While ultimately I know I can’t control that, I really wish I could. I wish I could stand in front of uncertainty and let it take over me but know that I’ll still come out the other side OK. No matter what.
But I’ve never been that kind of girl. I’ve never been the girl that doesn’t care because I’ve always been the one that cares too much. I’ve been the one that cares so much that my feelings often times scare the shit out of me. Which then turns into panic. When it turns into panic, that makes me push people away.
Rejection is scary. It’s like someone kicking you in the teeth while telling you you’re not good enough. Even though there are many reasons for things not working out, we often times take it to mean that there’s something absolutely wrong with us. We use rejection to prove the point to ourselves that we are the most unlovable creature in the world.
While this isn’t true in any case, I find myself letting that fear dictate my entire life. That was obvious that when panic started to set into my bones and I took it out on the one thing that was completely reliable. I took it out on the one thing that was adding to my happiness.
So I lied.
I lied because lying was the only way I could get myself to relax. I don’t want to be the irrational crazy person but that’s who I am. I’m always going to be the one who cares way too much. I’m always going to be the one who gives so much of themselves. I am always going to be the person who jumps in and hopes not to get hurt.
I’ve been scared of love and what it’s done to me in the past. It has managed to fuck up my entire path on different occasions. So instead of wanting to go down that path with someone new who could potentially hurt me, I shut everyone and everything out. I don’t want to be vulnerable except the real scary thing is that I do. With you.
All I know is this, I’ve never been so open with someone in my life. While I did lie in a moment of fear, that’s the only time I haven’t been authentic. I feel something coming that I can’t control and that scares me.
I don’t feel like I need to run anymore because you know me. You know what I’ve been through. All I know right now is that I’m no longer going to lie to protect myself.
I’m going to face it and trust that everything will work out the way it’s meant to.