It’s a broken heart.
Not the kind of broken that comes from falling in love and then it ending. No. The kind of broken that comes from such self-hatred that it causes nothing but pain and confusion. That kind of heartbreak is one of the hardest to heal. It’s the one that sits with you late at night when the rest of the world is sleeping and makes you believe that you’re not good enough. For anything or anyone.
If it was heartbreak caused by another person you could focus on that. You can say that they’re an asshole. That they’re the one causing you all of this pain. You can place all the blame in their direction and looking internally would be something you’d only have to do on a surface level. It’s really great when you can blame your pain on someone else.
Self-heartbreak is the hardest to heal. It’s the hardest to heal because of the amount of work that would go into fixing it. You think that the pain your feeling from being broken is bad? Just wait until you start shuffling the shit around that’s caused you to get to this point. When those feelings of self-inadequacy get shoved into your face, the hardest part will be even admitting that those thoughts exist.
We’re really good at burying those feelings. So when they all came rushing to the surface after our body starts shutting down, is when you realize that all the heartbreak, all the pain you thought you knew is nowhere close to this. Nothing feels as bad as realizing that you don’t even love yourself.
There aren’t any specific reasons as to why it happened either. You were fine with being you for so long until something in your heart gave way and it’s like a rush of pure hate has flushed through your entire body. You look in the mirror and you’re angry at what you see. You say things, mean things, you would never say to other people out loud.
You start to question your place in this world.
As weird as it’s going to sound, you’ve started down a path to heal, really heal, what has been plaguing you secretly for all this time. By admitting that you’re not in the right head space is the first step in starting to get yourself the help you need.
We all heal in different ways too. While some people find a good outlet to get some perspective is counselling, others find comfort by practicing yoga. Some people draw. Some people paint. Some people write. We all have our ways of getting everything, like emotions and experiences, out of our head and into the universe. This allows us to reflect one what we’re actually feeling. Sorting through the confusion of what we’re actually feeling and why we’re taking it out on ourselves so harshly is half the battle.
While this battle feels completely uphill currently, you will get to a place again where you can appreciate all of the good you offer.
Being unique and beautiful is what makes your place in this Earth one that only you can fill.
Take the time to heal. Take the time to do the work to sort through the confusion. Take the time to love yourself again.
You deserve that.