July 20, 2016

What If I Told You I Love You

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What is the issue?
NickBulanovv
NickBulanovv

What if I told you everything I’ve been hiding so deep inside? If I just looked you in the eyes and told you every single insecurity that plagues me daily. Or how about that I just don’t feel good enough for you. Because I don’t. I don’t feel like I’ve been the person worthy of loving you. But I’m so lucky that I get to.

What if I told you every single thing I’ve done wrong in my life? If I sat you down and outlined every single mistake I’ve ever made. Would you leave? Would you love me more? Would you laugh it off? Because me telling you everything would make you the most important person to me. Are you ready for that?

What if I told you I’ve never loved someone as much as you? Would it freak you out? Would it make you look for the door? Because I’ve never loved someone this much. I’ve never had this much to lose. I’ve never thought about loving someone as deeply and intensely as I love you. I just never thought this love would ever come to someone like me. And now that you’re here I don’t want you to go anywhere.

What if I told you that all the stupid things I’ve done that I’ve blamed on other people? Would you think less of me? Would you question my character? Would it make you rethink everything that you’ve felt about me this far? Or would you take my hand and tell me that it’s OK. That we’re OK. That this right now feels better than anything you’ve ever felt too.

What if I told you that sometimes I’m crazy? And I don’t mean crazy fun. I mean the kind of crazy that will be too much for you sometime. The kind that will in turn make you feel crazy yourself. I’ll tell you right now you’re not doing anything wrong. I just can’t help myself in indulging in a little crazy every now and then. But it’ll keep you on your toes.

What if I told you that I have a gypsy soul? That staying in one place gives me itchy feet? That I want to see what the world has to offer? Would you think that I was leaving because of you? Because it’s not. I want you to come too. I want you to be my partner in crime. I want you to see the world with me. I want you to be my travel companion.

What if I told you that I’ve been hurt before and this scares me? Scares me so much that sometimes I think you’re fake. That you aren’t someone who exists in this world. That you’re going to disappear just like the exes before you. That I want so badly to pretend that we’re good. That this is good. But I just can’t keep the negativity out of my head sometimes.

What if I told you that I’ve hurt someone really bad before? Would you be afraid of me? I could tell you that it was because it just fizzled out but really it was because I didn’t feel it. I just didn’t feel it anymore. You know that feeling the one that you just feel deep down in your bones? That’s this. It wasn’t that.

What if I told you I love you?

Would you say it back? Would it be too soon? Would our friends call us crazy? The answer is a resounding yes. To everything. Because you do always say it back. Because I knew I loved you when we met. Because our friends call us crazy on a regular basis. We’re crazy because we love each other more deeply than either of us has felt.

There are a lot of ‘what ifs’ but our relationship isn’t one of them. It’s not a ‘what if we decided not to do this anymore’ because that’s not an option. For either of us. And we prove that to each other daily. So I’ll tell you every stupid thing I’ve done. I’ll tell you every single lie I’ve ever told. I’ll tell you anything you want to know because I love you.

That’s the only thing I do know for sure. TC mark

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