December 1, 2016

I Know You’re Not The Love Of My Life, So Why Am I So Obsessed With You?

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What is the issue?
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Why did I have to meet you? And why do you have to be married? And why do I feel so upset about it? It’s not that I want your wife’s life. But I’m jealous. There’s something beautiful in choosing someone for a lifetime and wanting her to be the mother of your future children. A child is a bond that someone without one can never truly understand.

It’s not even that I think that you are the love of my life. We are so different; it would never work between us. So why am I so obsessed with you?

Why am I so sad not to have you? Am I even sad or just mad? I guess I’m just missing the feeling of being loved by someone. And all the gentleness that comes with it. How can you be so gentle with me without being in love with me? You make love to me like I am the only woman on this planet. Sorry, we don’t make love, we just fuck, right? Well, we used to.

I can’t help it, the question constantly pops into my mind: Would I be your wife now if you’d met me first? And if so, how would my life be different? Would that be also me? Would I want to be your wife? Would I want to be a wife? Could I be that person? You know, the family type. Would I be happy with that?

I don’t know you at all. Do you even talk to your wife? I mean, do you have meaningful conversations with her? Or did you just marry her for her looks? Is she pretty? Prettier than me? Is she funny? Funnier than me? What’s wrong with us women, why do we always need to compare? It’s not a competition, I know. I know she’s not better or worse than me, she’s just different. And she was there first. Timing. That’s what it’s about. What is it with women that they always feel they need to be better than the exes or current significant others? What nonsense.

Did you have any serious girlfriends before you met your wife? Did you ever think that you married too soon, too fast?

Will I ever feel that it’s not too early to get married?

How did you know that she was “The One?” Or are you this “I don’t have to find the best one, I just have to find someone who’s good enough” type of guy? Is it true what they say that men don’t marry when they meet “The One” but when they feel ready to get married (regardless of who is with them at the time)?

Do women that want to have children in their early twenties have any ambitions in life? Why doesn’t it bother men if a woman doesn’t want to be more than a wife and a mom? Why does it bother me? Is something wrong with me that I don’t think of children as the purpose of life?

What a mess in my head! It’s all because of you.

And I’m wondering, do you even think of me? Do you even care about how I feel now? I know I cannot have the slightest idea of what it’s like to have another life. How to be a family person. What it’s like to be in such a strong commitment.

Why am I so upset that you’re trying to do the right thing? Why does it hurt so much?

Have you cheated on your wife with someone else as well? And if you have, what’s wrong with you? Why do you keep doing that?

And what am I going to do without you? TC mark

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