1. Double Boiler With Phenolic Handles, $29.99
Hey there, you! I was Googling your name and this registry came up. Can’t believe it’s been two years since we broke up and you’ve already managed to rebound, establish a steady relationship, and get engaged. You know, my favorite wedding cake is probably any kind with chocolate buttercream.
2. 4-Burner Stainless Steel Gas Grill, $300
Hah! This made me nostalgic for grills. It seems like only yesterday we were at the local Applebee’s Neighborhood Grill & Bar. You strategically invited me there during happy hour: a crowded, chaotic, half-drunk room of suburbanites, ensuring my weeping and carrying on would have to be stifled lest I become a talking point for fellow revelers. The bartender didn’t even make me pay my tab, but you wouldn’t know since you left after ten minutes.
3. Cube Fish Tank with Neon LED Light, $39.99
Fish are lucky because they get to swim aimlessly with no goals or priorities besides eating, much like my life for the 547 days after our breakup.
4. Ice Bucket with Flip Lid and Stainless Ice Scoop, 21.99
I Googled your fiancé. His Facebook profile is private but I found him on LinkedIn via a 3rd degree connection. (My previous co-worker’s current co-worker’s girlfriend. Go figure.) Seems to have a solid job history, most recently working in advertising sales for a local TV station? An endorsement says he’s a “go-getter.” I can’t help but think if it wasn’t for him this could have been our registry.
5. Ginsu International Traditions 14-Piece Knife Set, $110
I started taking cooking classes at my local community college last week. You could say baking is helping me rediscover myself. Most people don’t know this, but you should grip a knife mainly with the thumb and forefinger, not with your entire palm. I didn’t get an invitation to the wedding.
6. Quick-Pro Popsicle Maker with Ice Pop Molds, $29.99
This is actually an excellent gift.
7. Catania Square Mirror with Oak Paneling, $175
Take a close look at yourself in one of the many mirrors you already own, pretend it’s a two-sided mirror with me watching you from the other side, and remember this: You wouldn’t even be getting married to this guy if it wasn’t for me. You think it’s a coincidence that we broke up two years ago and two years later you’re hitched? No. If we didn’t date and set forth the right turn of events, you wouldn’t have even met this guy. Not only should I have been invited to the wedding, but you should be thanking me. So should your parents and your fiancé’s parents and grandparents and everyone invited. Oh yeah, I know a great wedding funk band if you’re still looking.
8. 8-Speed Bread Machine, $149.99
I bought you this 8-Speed Bread Machine. I also bought you the 6-Quart Programmable Crock-Pot, Woven Terry Cloth Bathrobes For Him & Her, Hoover Windtunnel Bagless Vacuum Cleaner, and 13-Inch Wooden Salad Bowl, all buried on pages six, seven and eight of your registry. All of these items are now marked “claimed,” ensuring no other guests can purchase them, and should arrive to your home shortly. While at this point it’s pretty clear I wasn’t invited to the wedding, you’ll have no recourse but to think of me and remember the work I’ve done on this registry while using these items. You should also expect an Applebee’s Neighborhood Grill & Bar gift card in the mail. And, no, I’m not sending the gift card because I’m stalking our Applebee’s, waiting for the day you and the fiancé come. I stopped doing that 212 days ago, when the restraining order insisted I not come within 100 yards of Applebee’s, which as it turns out is where the Home Depot is located, which as it turns out has a great selection of vacuums should you not like the one I bought you.