What Your Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper Says About You
Coy Tiger: The Early Bloomer
You got your ears pierced at the Icing and shoplifted training bras from Limited Too. Your older sister Misty (or Krystal) had a long-term boyfriend who picked you up from school in a van. He once touched your boob at a Mighty Mighty Bosstones concert. You never told Misty. Every hand job you’ve given has taken place in the parking lot of a Walgreens. Later in life, you become known almost exclusively for smoking clove cigarettes, having one pink dreadlock, and being incapable of love.
Cute-sy Alien: Poor
You were a latchkey kid. Your teacher used to bring you snacks at recess because you were malnourished. She asked you if you wanted to ‘share a snack,’ so you wouldn’t be embarrassed. You were embarrassed. You grew up to become extremely successful, or extremely pregnant.
Dolphin Duo: Emotionally Dependent
You developed a deep need for interpersonal connection, since your dad was out of the picture, and your mom was always ‘working late’ as a school psychologist or ‘out to dinner’ with her ‘friend’ Roy. In fifth grade, as a treat, she allowed you to hire a manicurist for your sleepover birthday party. The next day, you wrote in your diary. It was so nice mom hired that manicurist, she must really love me to do that! Later that night you inexplicably started crying. Your mother blamed your negative body image. Roy told you you were beautiful, just like your mother.
You are now a dental hygienist. No one is leaving their wife for you.
Penguins Locked in an Embrace: Unexceptionally Middlebrow
You only owned white Barbies. Your definition of ‘populist’ was a loose one. You were ‘populist.’ You now work in middle management for a software company or marketing firm. Your son Kyle got busted for a DUI last summer. You’re worried about Kyle. You spend your weekends helping Kyle with his Pace University admission essay and buying art prints at craft shows. Your husband is sleeping with a dental hygienist.
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You’re not nice, honey, you’re bitter.
If you can’t afford to tip. EAT. AT. HOME. In fact don’t eat at all. Go starve and die.
“GET OFF HER HAIR, IDIOT!”
I’m not made of porcelain and I’m not going to break if you use the wrong words or reveal yourself to be a terrible person.