November 7, 2016

I Thought Almost Was Enough

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Alice Donovan Rouse
Alice Donovan Rouse

I looked into your eyes and it made a lot more sense now. I thought you loved me enough. I thought almost is just enough for the both of us. You almost loved me. We almost happened but we never did. I thought maybe someday you’re going to be ready for me. I waited for you thinking you just need time. I thought you don’t want our love to go to waste and you’re not in a rush but then I guess I was wrong. I was so wrong to wait for you. To wait for something that will never happen.

You have her now, you said you waited too long for her to love you back. It got me thinking who am I or who I was to you? I was too dumb to think you feel the same way about me. I was so in love with you but you’re in love with her.

Can we go back to the way it was?
To that time I thought you’re happy just being with me. I thought you already love me. Can we go back to the time where she doesn’t love you back so I can be your world again? So I can be the only beautiful girl in your eyes again. Can we go back? Can I have you again? I’m not ready to let you go. I’m not ready to see you with her. To see you happy with her. I’m not ready to see the way you look at her because you once looked at me that way.

I was stupid to think that it just took you 2 weeks to forget me. I was so wrong because you never really loved me. You can replace me in an instant because you’ve never really given me your heart. I guess I was just a girl you liked because I was the one out there. I was the one available. You cared, yes, but loved? I guess never. I was just a girl but not the girl you love.

I want you to want me back.
I want you in my arms again and I was ready to do anything just to be her but then now I realized pride is the only thing I have left. You took my heart with you and crushed it into pieces I can’t even imagine.

I don’t want to be stuck in this love triangle. I don’t want to love you anymore though I still miss you every day. I loved you patiently every day, waited for you to fully give up your heart to me. I hate to admit it but feelings don’t change overnight. It will take me awhile to heal, to look straight into your eyes again.

I envy her because she’s in your world now. I envy her because our forever only exist in my imagination and your forever with her is possible. It hurts to love you now from afar. I should be happy because you’re happy. I still get butterflies every time I see you but eventually fades when she start walking beside you.

I still remember how you held my hand but now you’re holding a different hand from mine. I hate that it still makes me cry to think that now she’s the girl you call every day just to hear her voice and wait until she falls asleep.

I was that girl. I was her before. It was supposed to me in your heart. I guess you were never really mine. I get it now, we can’t force something that’s not meant to be. We can’t force our heart to beat for someone we don’t love. Someday my heart will stop mentioning your name. Someday I’ll forget, someday, maybe someday. TC mark

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