The 12 Assholes You Meet On Public Transportation
By Abby Magana
1. The people who get on the train before you can get off
It’s only polite, plus we’re getting off to give you more room. So by blocking our way, you’re only making your life more difficult. Remind me to elbow you in the stomach the next time I’m trying to get off the train.
2. People who place items on empty seats on a busy train.
I get it, we all have baggage (literally). However if that seat next to you has your bag seated on it, instead of a person, you are an asshole.
3. People pushing their way into an already crowded train.
Don’t you think if there was empty space we would be occupying it by now? Isn’t that a rule of physics?
4. People who don’t move when an empty seat opens next to them.
Just move over. It’s not a difficult concept. Oh you want my butt in your face? Be prepared to get a fresh crop dusting.
5. The people who have insanely loud conversations on the bus.
We’ve all been guilty of talking on the phone while on transit, however I’m talking about the people that positively yell. We don’t need to know about whether that scab fell off or not. Please just let me read my book.
6. Men (and I do specifically mean men) who insist on using your shoulder as a personal penis rest.
Sometimes it’s crowded and we’re all squished together like a small can of sardines, can included. However, if you’re not taking the seat across from me and are leering down at me, in the words of the Police “Don’t stand so close to me” (and yes I will call the cops if you keep doing so)
7. People who try to talk to you if you have headphones in.
If it’s a simple question, no problem! I’d be glad to help you out. But a conversation? At 7 am? Or 7 pm for that matter, if it’s clear I’m listening to something? No. Go away.
8. People who come in, push past everyone to get to the back of the train, and then push back past everyone when they get off at the last stop.
This one is pretty self explanatory.
9. The person who is coughing and/or sneezing ON you.
Being a public health person, I completely sympathize with people only having access to public transportation as a means of getting to and from their doctors. However, COVER YOUR DAMN MOUTH. This goes for anyone. Ever.
10. People who don’t move when you’re trying to get off the train until you yell “EXCUSE ME” directly into their ears.
I got this a lot working in a restaurant. People were always genuinely surprised by how much sound can come out of such small a person, but believe me it can be done. So it’s really not my problem if you get hit in the stomach with my 30 pound backpack.
11. Anyone drunk on public transportation.
Ever. Maybe I’m biased because I worked at said aformentioned restaurant until close and I was always on the drunk train home. However, I don’t care how much fun you had while you were at, how many shots you had, and if you want to take a selfie with the driver (actually happened. Did not end well). If you are bothering me, and god forbid if you emit any bodily substances on said transit, you are the biggest asshole of all. And as a bonus….
12. Super PDA couples.
This happens most often on a drunk train, but I’ve noticed it happening more and more. I don’t need to see you groping each other. I promise I’m not being the sex police. Do what you want in your own time but I don’t need to see your hand shoved down your significant others pants.
Side bar: major props to the girls (or guys, I don’t discriminate) who do their makeup on the train/bus. How do you do it?? No mirror, bumps all over the place? And you still get off the train looking fresh as an Irish daisy? Seriously? Fuck you.