Confessions I Need To Make, Now That We’re Engaged
We’re perfect together and I have no doubts about that, and I am truly ready to spend the rest of my life with you. I think it’s amazing how you get along with my parents more than I do and we’ve got the sex down to an exact science. However, before we begin the rest of our lives together, these are a few secrets that I am never going to share with you.
I really didn’t mean it the first time I told you I loved you. I hope you don’t remember this, but I said it first and it was right after we had sex. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking, in fact I think because I had just came I kind of wasn’t thinking for a few seconds, and I just blurted it out. To be honest, I think it was just mechanical, something I used to say to my previous girlfriend all the time. Like when I used to say it to her, it also did not mean that I actually I loved you. And immediately after I said it, I thought to myself ‘Fuck! Now I’m never going to be able to get rid of this one.’ I didn’t think we would last more than few more dates after that night.
Sometimes, I get really jealous when you spend any time with any other man, and I vocalize this a lot to you, I’m sorry for that. Deep down inside, I feel insecure, I’ve always thought you could do so much better than me. Deeper than that, I think it’s because I’ve cheated on you twice, and so I of course think you’d do the same thing to me. The first time, my best friend (yes, that one) had just broken up with her boyfriend and so we went out for drinks, all of that I told you. What I didn’t tell you is that we ended up making out outside the bar, and ended up going over to her place, sleeping naked together in the same bed. We did not have sex. The second time was when you were away for that trip; I went to massage parlor and paid for a hand job.
You are not the first person I’ve had unprotected sex with, I’ve done it with two other people. As far I know, I was the only person they were sleeping with, but I feel really bad for lying to about this, because it’s come up so many times in our conversations. The thought was really gnawing in my brain that I might have given you something that I contracted from them, so I got myself tested before I proposed to you. I’m clean, which means so are you.
While you will never know any of this, and so I will never be able to really know how much weight you would put on these secrets of mine, I try to take solace in the fact that my dishonesty keeps us together and is necessary for this relationship to go on. I’ve managed to not breathe a word of this to anyone for the last few years, so I trust myself to be able to keep these things to myself forever. Apart from continually lying about all of this for the rest of our lives, I promise to always be honest with you.
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If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”